Bersih: Just in case you wanna go for another one (Post 3/3)

This Bersih rally being my first public rally and all, I have been enlightened to a different level and have experienced stuff that I never before imagined.

I think I am a chaos-addict...seeking excitement in chaotic situations but getting back to the topic at hand, I want to share some things that will and wont work during a rally, IF you decide to see and evaluate first hand and not comment on Facebook a few days later or if you just wanna get gassed and run around..

Let's face it, with Anwar (there is proof that you, sir, motioned to the other bloke to rile up the crowd) at the mix, the rally was always going to tear gas and water cannons anyway.  

The DO's and DON'Ts at a public riot rally

DO...

...observe personal hygiene

Throughout the rally I had some quiet demonstrators, and more overzealous ones...you know, the ones where they have arms out, punching the air, screaming their believes marching next to me..boy was I fucked! 

I'm not the neatest person in the world, ask anyone, but I made sure I had a good shit, shower and shave (just in case I get caught and the cops want me to do nekkid push-ups or Nurul Izzah falls for me), brushed my teeth, used mouthwash, deodorant, my Paco Rabane perfume (just in case lah, dammit!) and headed to Central Market.

Somehow, a lot of people don't get that. Cipet there was one point, I nearly died from underarm smells and nearly died again as I looked to my left, only to be met with the stinging breath smelling like shit from a zombie monkey being flung my way..ughh!

Deodorise, people! The brands nowadays guarantee 24-hour protection, and if you have inherited smelly genes then bring lah one cannister/tube/bottle...what's the use of carrying a bloody huge backpack if you can't fit it in!

...dress the part

Firstly, comfort and practicality is a priority! T shirt, jeans or shorts and shoes will be awesome enough... go easy on the make-up, hair and nail extensions, you are here to rock a cause, not the runway.

NO LEATHER JACKETS! I've seen a douchebag wearing a leather jacket with studs and spikes while we were retreating from them gasses. Why, God? Why? It was already so hot...and the gas and the water...

Brother, if you are reading this, at Bersih 4.0 or if Ultras Malaya decide to hold a rally to get the President of FAM to resign, wear a fucking raincoat/military suit!

If you believe and identify in the cause, show your support. Wear whatever they are wearing, be it a yellow or green top, a red one (last year, to protest the yellow fellas), or even a mask.

Just a reminder, swimming goggles and bandana's don't work against the gas! The sweat will seep in beneath the rubber and the lenses will fog up, leaving you no choice but to remove the goggles. Trust me, I lost my goggles and bandana in the retreat.

Remember to keep it light. There will be a lot of running and marching.

Slippers can be very dangerous. One misstep at the back of a slipper is all you need to either cause a stampede or being a floor mat. I must say this - Malaysians were very careful not to let people stay on the ground for long that day.

DON'T...

...obstruct the traffic/retreat flow

While the people at the front of the rally became the lasts one in line when the retreat began, there were plenty more people coming and heading full force towards Dataran Merdeka. 

As the people are screaming to turn back and retreat a little so we can have some breathing room, you would think the oncoming ones will at least give room...but NO, not till they saw the trucks; and by this time cannister after cannister have been shot.

Yeah, you are zealous warriors...but get the fuck out of the way! Although I loved the rush, the pain was real too! 

You back-seat generals gotta move backwards and not urging us to move on..give us room and go get your share of abuse...there were kids retreating too...which brings me to the next point!

...bring your kids to a rally!

My rule of probability has only two outcomes: 50-50. Example: What are my chances of winning the lottery? 50% = you will win; 50% you will not. 

At my day job, I get asked by parents every time: So, what are the chances of my son/daughter/son-that-will-soon-be-daughterish-and-have-videos-lip-syncing-to-Malay-rock-songs-in-hotels-in-KL passing his exams?


Fifty-fucking-percent..either he passes or fails.. See now if he asked What are the chances in passing and getting an A+? I'd be forced to see how many passing grades there and have 50 divided the number of grades from a C- (or D) to an A+. 


Geddit? No? Watch this:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Serdang Angels!

Anyhoo, the point here is..There's a 50% probability that the rally was gonna turn hostile..and it did! Which leaves me questioning:

What the fuck made you bring your 2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/teenage kid (choose, I saw them all that day) to Masjid James Jamek? 

Your kid is too young to understand what's going on. Values need to be instilled, yes, but come the time, they will be living in a different world, different politicians, different problems...why ruin the innocence and unbiased views of a child now?


Your kid isn't your fucking shield!
You are gonna get gassed! So beat it! Don't subject your child to gasses and the water. God knows what kind of drugs they put in those things...we overfed, overgrown adults can't take it, why subject your child to harms like this?


Based on that two things, Malaysia should have a rule towards pro-creation! If you have done either one or both of those things, get a vasectomy/tubectomy..please!!!


Rule of thumb: If you still buy the toothpaste he uses each morning, don't let him go anywhere near the rally!

Good night!

How Hari Raya is manipulated!

Hi..Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Merdeka (really?) 


So, I'm back to take a swipe at another festive time of the year as I've done with Chinese Christmas and Chinese New Year earlier this year. 


Honestly, I'm only doing this for two reasons: so I don't seem like a racist bastard by not posting about Raya (Chinese people have gone all sensitive after the 8TV thingy) and because I like doing stuff like this.

The Anti-Thrill of Hari Raya

When I was little, my classmates will tell me stories of how they'd gather round the TV before Hari Raya and Puasa just to listen to some old man announce the date. This old man is the Keeper of the Royal Seal or Pemegang Cop Mohor Raja-Raja Melayu. We shall now refer to him as Pak Cik.


As I grew older, I too began watching because I have Muslim relatives to visit and more importantly Raya means HOLIDAY!


So I began to notice how Pak Cik's announcements always fall on the same day as the calender and I honestly thought that Pak Cik was like a soothsayer (of course at 9, I did not use that word) until one day after having my awesome Lorong Char Siew Rice, my mum and I were in a goldsmith. 

3rd from right: My 9-year-old self and my oldest friends in the world

The thing about any goldsmith on Jalan Bunga Raya is when you sit there, they'd give you a boxed drink, usually wintermelon tea (UGHH) and when you buy stuff, they somehow will always give you another gift. 


This time it was next year's calender. The kind where the paper is thin and there are horses printed on every Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. The kind where there'll be 11 pictures of animals and a Chinese character   at the bottom where you can associate your birth year and see if you were born a bitch, swine or 10 other animals.


I flipped the pages, looking to see how awesome Miss July was and I kept on looking till I saw the dates for next year's Hari Raya. Boy, was I pissed. I was thinking they were sure gonna piss Pak Cik off when he sees this. 


In a fit of rage I complained to my mom, demanding her to write for me a letter to Pak Cik to alert him of this conspiracy of the World Chinese Calender Makers Association (Malaysia). She refused. I think she feared for our safety. If you've watched Young & Dangerous, you'd be scared too.


Let's get some things straight here: I can write on my own, but in children's writing. I doubt that Pak Cik would take my theories of conspiracy seriously if I sent him the letter and the WCCMA(M) is a very secret organisation that even Google doesn't have any record of their existence.


As the years rolled on, my belief in Pak Cik's powers faded in the same manner when we realised things we believed in like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Democracy were indeed just stories made up to help us sleep at night.


This year however, with the WCCMA(M) announcing Hari Raya on the 30th while Puasa started on the 1st, I thought there was a glitch in the system, a calculation error. 


I waited for Pak Cik to announce the date and make the WCCMA(M) look like assholes. I was getting more nervous as the seconds drew closer. My heart was racing. Sweat dripping into my socks and out of a sudden it was a deathly cold embrace that I felt as Pak Cik concurred with my sworn enemies. Was he afraid to go against them too? Or was he on their payroll?


Here is my call to you out there: Help me regain Pak Cik's honour!


This is how it's going to work:

1. We raise RM 200,000.00
2. We meet the WCCMA(M) with Pak Cik
3. We pay off the WCCMA(M) 
4. We insist that they mess up their announcement of Hari Raya
5. Pak Cik announces the correct date
6. We win!


Nevermind that the last minute change will cause chaos and massive traffic overcrowding as well as dysfunctions of corporate and manufacturing establishments. We'll have Hari Raya that's not predicted by the WCCMA(M) and Pak Cik will again be the nation's most reliable source for Hari Raya..


Till next time!  

Towards a Developed Rakyat

The vast growth of our nation in the past 13-15 years, perhaps more but at least that's how far back I remember and started to take notice, has been immense!

From world class facilities and landmarks such as stadiums, twin towers and the Bandar Tasik Selatan one-stop traveling center, its undeniable that we have progressed in certain areas abreast or even better than some of the most developed nations.

However, one question still haunts me: Are we, The Rakyat ready to be a developed people?

To be a developed nation, in all honesty takes more than just facilities or the industrial development of a country. Yes, I'm very proud that we have produced cars and stuff and now are embarking on a knowledge-based industry. Alternative coverage of Bersih has proven that we are well equipped and empowered to take advantage of various social media platforms to share knowledge.

Sadly, that is not enough to constitute us as a developed people. To me, a developed people needs to be inclined to start practicing the following:

Civic Mindedness


How often have we been to Ikea, fuck that, McDonald's and when scouting for a decent table to sit we find one or all of the following:

1.  A bloody filthy table that roaches and rodents will call Utopia
2.  A table that sits 6 occupied by two or three people

How hard is it for us to stack up all the plates, cups, utensils and all of them wrappers and sauce plates on the tray and put them accordingly (ie Reusable stuff at the rack provided and disposable stuff in the dustbin)?

Ikea puts up a notice, for humanity's sake! Plus, isn't it common sense to clean up after oneself? Try walking away leaving your plates at home wouldn't your mom/step-mom or Kermit the Frog smack you square at the back of your head?

Another thing that grinds my gears, and this is nowhere near the sexy kind of grinding, is the aftermath of a Pasar Malam.

Sure, from as early as 4pm till as late as 11pm we will be flocking to get various stuff from Nasi Lemak to cheap ass toothbrushes but when it ends, our dear entrepreneurs leave the place in a dump.

Don't just take my word for it. Taken by Khristabelle at TTDI late yesterday

What will it take for them to clean up themselves? Do we have to enforce laws? Summonses? Tear gas them? It just doesn't make sense that common ethics is so hard to comprehend. Or are we too complacent with the 'Cleanliness Deposit' we pay?


Appreciation of the Arts


No, I'm not asking us to be fucking poets or painters. I'm just calling for a little appreciation of all art forms. Take a look at European nations, heck look at China and Japan if your mind can't venture that far. What element do we see in common?

They are nations that hold pride in their arts, and art here is not restricted to canvas. These people preserve their artworks like gold and at the same time have developed the sustainability in the creation of content that engulfs all art forms.

From Picasso to wacky Japanese shows, the content developed is relevant and has enriched their society.

I'm not saying we haven't done our bit. Shows such as Showdown have done its part in highlighting dance in Malaysia but what about other shows we see on TV and locally produced movies?

Are our intellect so low that we are forced to come up with Halimah Jongangs and Adnan Sempits? How many times are we going to make 'funny' movies about Mak Limah and zombies?

It's an honour to point out that the CGI on Karak and the fight scenes in KL Gangster and Kongsi is superb but somehow the general plot lacks the depth to challenge our intellect.

Let's face it, we have been recycling material for way to long. P.Ramlee did the 'gitu-gitu' bit and half a century later, we are still emulating that?

I'd hate so say stuff about our music scene because I don't want to be accused of having conflict of interests but I can't help point out that our TOP local stations play more Lady Gaga and that girl-boy Bieber more times than rabbits fuck.

We have good music and having only a hour-long music chart is not good enough. I know that at the end of the day it's all money but do we hear an American calling us up wondering who Yusri is sleeping with now?

Perhaps the government could impose a quota, I mean we are used to quotas, what's another, right, of local content on all fronts? Or we as a people start demanding?

Buy Malaysian, Travel Malaysian...content? Foreign!

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 3 - It Is Called 'A Place To Rant"

Well, what makes the Portuguese people think they deserve a Church? Is it jealousy that every other race in the country, which congregates in a close geographical proximity, has a place of worship? Or maybe it’s because the only full-fledged Roman Catholic saint who walked the lands of Malacca and by the way cursed it to slumber, was not really Portuguese (he was of Navarre origin, by the way)? Or is it because there is no more land in the Portuguese Settlement?

NO OFFENSE TO ANY OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF DIFFERENT FAITHS. THIS PART IS JUST TO SHOW COMPARISON AND IN NO WAY IS MEANT ANY PREJUDICE, MALICE OR DISRESPECT.

Take a look at Take a look at any Malay kampung, there’s bound to be at least a surau somewhere. Even Pulau Melaka has a mosque when the place is practically lifeless. I can’t buy bullshit even if it’s on discount but if they were to say that the Portuguese community is a small community, then what about the Chitty Melaka, they have a temple. Or is the trend of breaking temples the new in-thing and the small Gajah Berang temple is on the list?

I hope I can personally smack the cheek of the next person who comes up and say that there is no more land for a church in the Portuguese Settlement. The issue of a hotel to come up in the Settlement was very easily settled when everyone believed there was no land. I think it was probably settled like this:

“Dato’, there’s no more land herelah to build the hotel. How ah?”

“Reclaim the sealah, we’ve done it to build Melaka Raya. Do the same here!”

I can only hope that when “hotel” is replaced with “cathedral (oh, come on, you know how it works, ask for a thigh, you’ll get a toe)”, the answer will be the same!

As far as I know, Melaka has the most inter-religious understanding. Melaka boasts Temple Street, a street where a mosque, a Hindu temple and Buddhist temple sit next to each other. With that, I don’t think the spawn of a new church would cause any distress in the local community.

To rub salt to the would, the only place of worship near to a Portuguese community will eventually stick out like a sore thumb in a few years time. Praya Lane as I know it is slowly diminishing to make way for urbanization. The land has been sold to developers and one by one; memories of childhood are torn down together. With the soon non-existence of Praya Lane, the chapel will remain but it will cease to be a bastion of the Portuguese Catholics, the jenti Kristang.

Currently, the Mass in the Settlement is celebrated every week with at least 300 (Leonidis is not involved) people attending…and it’s held in a community hall. Yes, Jesus was a simple man, born in a stable and worked as a carpenter but why compromise worship and confine it to a hall which can hardly sit 200 people? The worship has to be grand but if the worshipers are simple, Hallelujah!

It is not cool letting people believe the illusion that the HALL is overflowing with people that many others have to stand outside! Wouldn’t it be easier to pray in a little bit of comfort? I’m not talking a robot choir, air conditioning, 3D glasses, just enough places for everyone to sit inside and some fans.

Speaking of halls, the chapel in Convent of the Infant Jesus, Banda Hilir has been made into a badminton hall. Wow…creative huh? I don’t think the guys over at Casa Impian could have come up with such a brilliant conversion!

Here’s a hint to THE MAN, you (plural – it’s a Rock & Roll slang) have one parliamentary term to get cracking after calls to buck up to try to redeem yourselves! Do the right thing. No, the Kristang de Padre se Chang don’t want their hall converted into a chapel. They want a religious complex with facilities ranging from classrooms to places for fellowship.

Thank you for reading.

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 2 - Portuguese Heartache

Nearly 500 years later, a small Portuguese Community still stands along the shoreline of Melaka. Although the residents don’t really look like white Bengalis anymore, but the tradition, language, food, beliefs and religion are still strongly practiced.

The Portuguese Settlement is flocked by the thousands (in total) in late June during festivals like Festa San Juang and Festa San Pedro. Around six months later, the crowd would just come out of every nook and corner to see a snow less winter wonderland. It’s just madness (in a good way) to see the lights and decorations from every house. Giant Santa Clauses and mechanical sleighs just complete the hospitality of the people at the most wonderful time of the year…at least according to Andy Williams.

Christmas in Portuguese Settlement

It is also safe to say that Christianity, or the Roman Catholic faith came along with the Portuguese in 1511. (There are claims that the Nestorian faith landed in Mongolian lands, but that’s beyond the point) The ruins of a church, The Madre de Dios (Mother of Christ*) Church on St Paul’s Hill accentuate the claim that the first Portuguese were Catholics. However, the oldest performing Catholic Church in Melaka, St Peter’s Church was erected only in 1710 on land donated by Dutchman Maryber Franz Amboer.

Interestingly, the descendants of the first Catholics in Malaysia do not have a Church to boast in their back yard. They have a Catholic school which is no longer run by the men or women in robe. Thankfully enough some Catholic elements still stand strong. There’s also a sudden emergence of a certain hotel, which most probably were influenced by Goa or some other Portuguese conquest in India. The architecture seems just about Portuguese, with canons facing the sea and a small courtyard in the middle but the cuisine somewhat questionable. However empathic I may be, I do find a Nasi Kandar based menu quite far from the likes of Dabel (Devil) Curry or the Portuguese baked fish.

Debal Curry

Imagine food-lovers who waltz in the hotel’s cafeteria and asks for the menu, wouldn’t that bring shame to the hotel or even worst, the community...macha! The nerve! Anyhoo, we shall continue the story about the hotel some other time.

Of Curry Debal and Hopeful Churches Part 1 - Malacan History...Briefly

Let’s just say on an idle Saturday afternoon, an Average Joe takes a two-hour drive (assuming he follows the speed limit) down south from the Klang Valley, he most probably would end up at the Ayer Keroh toll plaza. For those who don’t know, Ayer Keroh is one of three toll exits leading to the state of Melaka. It is also the nearest to the Historical City of Melaka itself.

Malacca Coat of Arms

The drive down to the city itself would tease Joe’s eyes to fascinating places to visit; the Crocodile Farm, the Melaka Zoo, arguably the next best thing after Taiping Zoo, the Butterfly Farm, a man-made waterfall, and the Spice Garden among others. A short drive later, as Joe hits the heart of the city, shopping havens like Jonker Walk, Bunga Raya Road and a few other malls would definitely give him a run for his money and around the corner, places like the Clock Tower, Istana Melaka Museum, A Famosa would just fascinate him so much, he’d be wishing he paid more attention when Puan Safiatun taught History.

Anyways, fasten your seat belt, here’s a short trip down memory lane. Around 1400, Parameswara founded Melaka. He embraced Islam and was known as Sultan Iskandar Shah. He ruled Melaka until the year 1414 when Sultan Megat Iskandar Shah reigned. The Melaka Sultanate continued it’s supremacy throughout the century for which Melaka grew as the number one port in the world. Even China sent her princess, Hang Li Po who married Sultan Mansur Shah and Admiral Cheng Ho along with fleets of diplomats and traders to Melaka. Melaka was also the first foreign government to have strong Sino-Melaka relations after Sultan Iskandar Shah paid tribute to the Ming Dynasty.

Somewhere along this era, legends were born and bred. Melaka boasted the earliest Malayan heroes through the likes of Tun Perak, Hang Tuah and his brave brotherhood, Jebat, Lekir, Lekiu and Kasturi and the exemplary administration from Sultan Muzaffar Shah to the reign of Sultan Alauddin Riayat Shah.

Melaka also faced lacking leadership which indirectly led to her fall to the Portuguese. The “White Bengalis”, as they were referred to by the Indian traders came not as conquerors of evangelists but more in search of trade. With the capture of Lopez de Sequeira, the Portuguese retaliated by conquering Melaka and capturing her on the 24^th August 1511.