Because being a BOYFRIEND is like having a JOB

Folks,

I don't know if this would work for you, but imagine a world where life was based fully on merit (not applicable to PUBLIC university entrances/enrollments) where finding a mate would be the same as finding a job.

So, I've taken some time and company money to draft a cover letter and a CV for all of you who want to find a girlfriend.

Step 1: Get your Curricular Vitae done

See, simple and easy.

Note: If you put Elven, Wookie, Chubacca or even C++ under languages spoken, you deserve to be struck by a bucket of shit..unless of course, the 'job requires it.'

Step 2: Write a Cover Note

Your Cover Note should include your better qualities, but not give too much information and also a slight pledge to do something beneficial to your employer.

Here's an example:

Dear Miss xxx,

I read your application on a networking site advertising the vacancy of BOYFRIEND and I'm writing in to inform you my interest to fill in the position. 

For your information I first have to admit that I have a Bachelor status and I have no formal education and have never enrolled into the Institution of Marriage and have somewhat little to no plans to enroll in the near future as I have not explored my options as a Bachelor.

I’m self taught and am quite experienced in the act of caring and loving. I try hard to please and although I sometimes fail to do please, I do have a tub of ice-cream and a girly movie as a back-up. I’m also somewhat equipped with the art of serenading even if it means making up lyrics.

I also aspire to learn <something she's passionate about> and to learn to eat <her favourite food>.

I have also enclosed a CV for your perusal

Hoping to hear from you soon,

<Your name>

Now, YOU are all set!

Just wait for the call..SHIT, SHOWER and SHAVE (yes, all over...just in case) and go get that JOB

p.s. It works both ways, so ladies can also use this and it's also good for multiple applications

When you've gotta go (Pt 1)

Although this sounds familiar..I'm talking about my FRIEND..

HE...
...is in a band
...sings
...plays the harp
...shits whenever he wants ...shits wherever he needs

Of all places, one day after following a few friends get a tattoo and eating the legendary Satay Celup,


he felt a huge bowel movement (Praise Jesus for blessing him with lightning fast movements) and warned the driver of the car:

"I gotta shit lah, balls,"

The driver shot back a look through the rear view mirror, an evil scowl forming, menace building in his eyes unveiling deep demonic thoughts which have already masked the pain of the freshly inked tattoo.

However, despite all that build-up, what came out of his mouth sounded like Johnny Lever.

Johnny Lever

It's not important what he said, but the dick made me..I mean HIM go round and round in the car as the driver took wild turns and accelerated vigorously over speed humps.

His face reflected the motions of his stomach, twisting and turning, churning in discomfort. Then, it happened. My friend looked serene, calm and poised. With one hand on the safety rest and the other on pulling his pants and underwear away from his body, giving a 3-inch gap.

Little did they know, he already soiled his pants...a little bit... and was waiting for the smell to hit the car, knowing that it's air circulation would let the smell linger.

In a matter of seconds, came the question: "Who farted?" Of course with delight, He answered: "I just shat, balls..buahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Let's just leave it at that because the driver started cursing and swearing so bad, Lucifer would've closed his ears.

So, till we meet again, here's a song that has no connection with the story. And another thing, there's also a fountain story.

Work is Work

I woke up late this morning to the sounds of my MONOPHONIC, CAMERALESS phone ringing for me to be wished good morning. Laziness sat over me like a dark cloud. I admit I was about to succumb to it. I was going to call up the office and lie through my teeth about some overrated medical condition. Then I thought of what Scott told Paul sometime ago.

It was quite late or early in the morning (bloody politically correct people) when we decided to play Counter-Strike after shisha and mamak. Clifford and I was then in a non-profit organization called JOBLESS.ORG while JaQhua,Zach and Edward had the next day off. Paul and Scott were the only ones who had to wake up in less than 3hours.

"Cannot make it la..tomorrow work..I tired, balls."
"OK"
"No hal"
"I also sleepy dy"
"Come la..go home"
"Eh, Paul...chill la..I also work tomorrow"
"You sit at the desk, balls...I must change gearbox"
"Relax la..I also got work...must get up early, balls...lepak is lepak...work is work, Paul. We lepak today...Zach, Edward, Darian all down..."
"OK...1 hour la..."

So we went to play Counter-Strike and had fun like an 8-year old. Around 4.30am all of us went home to sleep.

When we met for breakfast(around 3.30pm- I got up at 7.00am...I SWEAR)...

"Paul sure never go work"
"Went, balls. He called me from office so that I'd believe him"
"Yes, balls. He called me also"
"You guess who my mother and I saw this morning"
"Who?"
"Who, balls?"
"OG?"
"Balls OG, I saw Scott, smiling out of Dr Pandu's Clinic...holding MC in his hands"

WORK IS WORK, eh?

Year of The Leopard

Once upon a time...Zach and Paul were having a conversation about the Chinese Zodiac and...

I born year of the Rabbit...Scott same...Clifford born (in the year of the) Dragon, I think.
Darian?
Rat..You?
I? Leopard, balls... *proud
Leopard? Got ah? How come? *trying to recall all 12 animals
Cos i BLACK! *prouder
''-.- *sweat That panther, balls!
Oh! Same, balls