Five Ways to become a HARIMAU

Seeing that it is about 26 hours till kick-off at the National Stadium between bitter rivals Malaysia and Singapore for a ticket to the World Cup Qualifiers, I've decided to let you in on a few ways to get you in the mood.

How to prepare for a Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers) game?


1. Secure Entry


Make sure that if you aren't as Lucky as Ramon and Mario, you get your tickets early! Don't go around like a fucking hooker on crack trying to ask everyone, anyone and anywhere..including Twitter for tickets the moment the word is mentioned.

So, I bought tickets for 9pm..

Dei, the match is at 8.30pm! You better go early..and you got how many tickets, hor? Got extra ke?

The tickets...Captain America la!

Memang Douchebag la lu, bro!




2. Energize


Remember that games kicking off at 8.45pm can end at midnight. So, make sure you have enough water, food, rest, etc to sustain your energy levels.


Frankly speaking, cheering is almost as tiring as playing the damn sport because when we cheer, often or not our levels will peak in direct retaliation to what's happening on the field - be it a wrong offside call, a Jewish lad kicking the ball..or even dismal performances by our own lads. Therefore, the more often things happen, the more you peak in excitement and you get tired..




3. Seat Right


Generally, there are a few sections when it comes to seating at a stadium.


VIP Boxes
Here's where politicians and big names watch the games. It's believed that within the tinted glasses is a room where you can indulge to your heart's desire.


There even was a rumour that there were strippers, cocaine and midget whores inside a Manchester United - Cardiff or something game.


Grand Stand
This is where rich folks pay more to see the same game from the same distance as the Rakyat Jelata from the other side.


Usually occupied by kids who were bullied in school and think they are cool now.


Home Seats
The whole stadium except the top corner of the stadium and a few more rows


Ultras Malaya
Look out for people at top corners of the stands usually singing and drumming..sometimes dancing and most importantly cheering.


They'll most probably be wearing black tees with yellow scarfs held high









Away Seats
Whatever's left. Possibly 3 rows in some corner with a fucked up view.


For this occasion, look out for an awkward looking group dressed in either red and white (Singapore, not Indonesia) or Blue.






4. Get in the ZONE


To get in the zone, you'd need to prepare your mind and body for the experience. Here's the simplest way to shift to a football fan mindset:

I know the beer is Singaporean but the name is Malaysian but 6 of this, you'll be massive!

If you can't drink, Tiger biscuits also counts!




5. Lose Your Voice


Shout, scream, sing...tell the referee what a cunt he is, taunt the away fans. Go ahead! Don't just sit quietly, you have bloody libraries for that!


Here are a few songs and chants that might help you out tomorrow:


Negaraku


Inilah Barisan Kita

How it is



How it should be sung




Malaysia Chant






So, see you tomorrow in Black and Yellow!

For the love of the game..

So, the last of the English teams played our Harimau Muda last week. Three games in 9 days saw us lose all three conceding 11 goals and scoring 3.

Warning: If you can't take honesty, Faakaff!

The Good


Liverpool FC


Liverpool FC thanking MALAYSIAN fans for our warm welcome and hospitality. I think we have showed the team that Anfield is more than a stadium, it's an omnipotent sense of belonging.

Baru Training, bro

Besides that, it was awesome seeing Dirk Kuyt score on Malaysian soil.




XI Harimau


In yesterday's game, Ong Kim Swee fielded a nervous Select XI to face Chelsea. Although at times, I wished we realised that some of our players are about as tall as John Terry's nostrils and would stop trying to play the long ball, I must say defensively they showed grit, mistake-ridden grit.


We contained Chelsea for about 80 minutes before conceding a non-goal by Drogba.


Which is way better than conceding 10 goals and then blame your own supporters (Read On)




The Bad:


The Linesman


Entrusted with keeping the offside rule and the playability of the ball during the match was his responsibility. However, our dear sir, the linesman on the nearside failed to do so, resulting in two atrocious offside calls and awarding Chelsea a very much undeserved goal when ol' squinty claimed the ball had crossed the line into the goal. Dickhead

Lu tarak tau, lu tamau kasi gol laa

The Ugly




Najib Razak


Given that the Malaysian PM supports the wrong coloured team in Manchester and at the same time the mastermind of this 1Malaysia thing, with the naivety of a pawn on a chessboard, expected to see him at the Malaysian FA Cup game between Kelantan and Terengganu.


HE WASN'T THERE


I thought:
Fine, he is not from either state anyways.


Harimau Malaya played Lebanon and the Chinese Taipei, followed by an English giant, Arsenal and Chelsea with another coming up against our Evertonian-like neighbours, Singapore.


I swear I thought he was gonna be there giving his beauty queen wave.


HE WASN'T THERE


I looked at the papers. Like the UEFA Champions League I thought he was at a Mamak shop in Putrajaya and perhaps The Star would put him on the front page again and this time with a happier expression.

Front Page Material

IT WASN'T THERE


I was thinking Champions League was at 4am, so he most probably slept at 9pm. So it made sense that he wasn't there watching his potential voters play.




Rajagopal


Speaking of unpatriotic, Rajagopal having the traits of becoming a top class BPL Manager, white hair, somewhat master tactician and speaks total shit after his team loses, has infuriated 'Malaysian Scousers' by claiming we are not patriotic.

Just listen to him taking a rip at Liverpool fans, most probably he failed to realise:





80000 Malaysians cheered when Liverpool scored
87000 Malaysians cheered when Malaysia scored
29 mil  Malaysians think the free kick goal was top drawer
0 players were booed at the Malaysia-Liverpool game


I'd like to see him comment on the support Scums have if and when they visit next.




Benayoun's Treatment


Granted that calling him Judas is wrong because that might be a racial slur and Fernando Torres already has taken that one, the boos Yossi Benayoun got every time he touched the ball was uncalled for.

Liverpool fans were instantly blamed for giving him a hard time after his switch to London but that couldn't be right, Judas was cheered every time the camera zoomed at him.


So, the people booing him are from an obvious source for obvious reasons. What good would booing a scrawny fleet-footed Jew do?


I'd just like to add that the problem in the Gaza Strip is political and not religious as we zealously imagine.


Anyhoo, see you this Thursday as our lads take on Singapore.

My Shitty Day (Official Story)

Against all my wishes, I went for today's meeting with the label. Although it was fruitful to a certain extent, I might have bitten off more than I can digest.

After lunch, I took the MRR2 back to my proposed location of choice, Cyberjaya. I didn't make it back, of course..

See, about 500m before the nearest petrol station, I felt the Shits* growing. So, I decided to speed up and hurry to the toilet. I made it there, of course and I only had one option, a squatting cubicle. I rolled my pants and undies and did my business well but as I reached for the hose, yes, I wash, my pants slipped from my armpit grip and fell in the toilet bowl.

I laughed then realised that I had nothing to wear but my pink-polka-dot-motif-boxers. I panicked! In my mind raced a million thoughts and the huge hole in my boxers was as useful as a one-legged man in a football match.

Please pay attention to only the boxers

If this ever happens to you, here's what you should do:


1.  Damage Control


If it's just a small patch, wash and pretend nothing happened. However, if like me once upon a time ago, my undies got soiled, roll the damn thing and throw it away. Then go commando and enjoy the soft touches of the fabric on your skin.


What happens if the toilet is full of people knocking on your door asking you to hurry the fuck up?
Shove the son-of-a-bitch in the toilet pump thingy and please have the decency to off the tap.




2.  Do the right thing


Like what I did today, I called my boss who thankfully is my childhood friend, Mrs Violet Francis-Monterio and explained the situation:

Lett, I have something to tell you. Please don't get angry and try not to laugh

What's that?

My pants fell in the toilet bowl

(I swear she had the how-did-you-shit-that-your-pants-can-fall-into-the-bowl thought in her mind)

How can happen?

(I explained the situation)

I'll go home and change my pants then I'll come back to office

Hahahahaha..No need la..

So, I ran out of the toilet, wearing only my boxers and pants wet and rolled in my hands.

 P.S. I'll explain what Shits* mean some other time

Towards a Developed Rakyat

The vast growth of our nation in the past 13-15 years, perhaps more but at least that's how far back I remember and started to take notice, has been immense!

From world class facilities and landmarks such as stadiums, twin towers and the Bandar Tasik Selatan one-stop traveling center, its undeniable that we have progressed in certain areas abreast or even better than some of the most developed nations.

However, one question still haunts me: Are we, The Rakyat ready to be a developed people?

To be a developed nation, in all honesty takes more than just facilities or the industrial development of a country. Yes, I'm very proud that we have produced cars and stuff and now are embarking on a knowledge-based industry. Alternative coverage of Bersih has proven that we are well equipped and empowered to take advantage of various social media platforms to share knowledge.

Sadly, that is not enough to constitute us as a developed people. To me, a developed people needs to be inclined to start practicing the following:

Civic Mindedness


How often have we been to Ikea, fuck that, McDonald's and when scouting for a decent table to sit we find one or all of the following:

1.  A bloody filthy table that roaches and rodents will call Utopia
2.  A table that sits 6 occupied by two or three people

How hard is it for us to stack up all the plates, cups, utensils and all of them wrappers and sauce plates on the tray and put them accordingly (ie Reusable stuff at the rack provided and disposable stuff in the dustbin)?

Ikea puts up a notice, for humanity's sake! Plus, isn't it common sense to clean up after oneself? Try walking away leaving your plates at home wouldn't your mom/step-mom or Kermit the Frog smack you square at the back of your head?

Another thing that grinds my gears, and this is nowhere near the sexy kind of grinding, is the aftermath of a Pasar Malam.

Sure, from as early as 4pm till as late as 11pm we will be flocking to get various stuff from Nasi Lemak to cheap ass toothbrushes but when it ends, our dear entrepreneurs leave the place in a dump.

Don't just take my word for it. Taken by Khristabelle at TTDI late yesterday

What will it take for them to clean up themselves? Do we have to enforce laws? Summonses? Tear gas them? It just doesn't make sense that common ethics is so hard to comprehend. Or are we too complacent with the 'Cleanliness Deposit' we pay?


Appreciation of the Arts


No, I'm not asking us to be fucking poets or painters. I'm just calling for a little appreciation of all art forms. Take a look at European nations, heck look at China and Japan if your mind can't venture that far. What element do we see in common?

They are nations that hold pride in their arts, and art here is not restricted to canvas. These people preserve their artworks like gold and at the same time have developed the sustainability in the creation of content that engulfs all art forms.

From Picasso to wacky Japanese shows, the content developed is relevant and has enriched their society.

I'm not saying we haven't done our bit. Shows such as Showdown have done its part in highlighting dance in Malaysia but what about other shows we see on TV and locally produced movies?

Are our intellect so low that we are forced to come up with Halimah Jongangs and Adnan Sempits? How many times are we going to make 'funny' movies about Mak Limah and zombies?

It's an honour to point out that the CGI on Karak and the fight scenes in KL Gangster and Kongsi is superb but somehow the general plot lacks the depth to challenge our intellect.

Let's face it, we have been recycling material for way to long. P.Ramlee did the 'gitu-gitu' bit and half a century later, we are still emulating that?

I'd hate so say stuff about our music scene because I don't want to be accused of having conflict of interests but I can't help point out that our TOP local stations play more Lady Gaga and that girl-boy Bieber more times than rabbits fuck.

We have good music and having only a hour-long music chart is not good enough. I know that at the end of the day it's all money but do we hear an American calling us up wondering who Yusri is sleeping with now?

Perhaps the government could impose a quota, I mean we are used to quotas, what's another, right, of local content on all fronts? Or we as a people start demanding?

Buy Malaysian, Travel Malaysian...content? Foreign!

Self Help: How to shave with ONE SHAVER

Remember a few posts back, which seems like forever from today? You know, the one about the benefits of shaving?

Fuck, you do have the memory of a bloody gold fish. This is the post I'm talking about!

Ever since that post, I've been getting loads of questions. I was amazed at the different levels of questions I got. I didn't know whether I should laugh, cry, spit shit out of my nose or just go fuck a mermaid but here are some of the questions which I'll  answer here but do take note that I'm not paid to entertain questions like these and your daddy should be the one teaching you about shaving (Ladies with daddy issues, kindly drop your number).

Q:  Would you recommend a three or four bladed razor?

A:  Why don't you go all out and get a seven-bladed one

 

 

 

Get this perhaps

Q:  How much foam should I apply?

A:  Fuck off!

Q:  How often should I shave?

A:  Depends how long your hair takes to grow, you bloody gorilla!

However, this takes the cake:

I only have one shaver? How do I go about shaving my whole body?

Firstly, how the fuck do you have only ONE SHAVER? Don't you have a 7-11  or a KK Mart nearby or a kitchen knife? Please get another shaver...or two!

If you live on a tree beside a cave in the middle of the jungle and your only way out is to be eagle bait, then let me shed some light on how you should shave yourself.

Rule of thumb is, please trim yourself to have hair/fur at most 3cm. Get scissors or a lawnmower. Now comes the important bit. Essentially, men need to keep all parts well groomed. Therefore equipped with only ONE shaver, please shave in this order:

Face
Chest 

Back (If you have limbs of a spider monkey)

Armpit

Crotch

Always shave till you are happy with the result and never, Never, NEVER go back. You just don't shave your face then move to your balls and say:

Hey, I think that little patch under my lower lip needs no go.. 

Sick!

Why I wasn't CLEAN today

So this post Bersih aftermath has opened my eyes to a few things. But before that, let's get things straight. I, without regret did not participate in the rally that took place this afternoon for reasons I shall reveal in a bit.

First and foremost, Kudos to my fellow Malaysians who stood up against all possible odds for something they believe in. That doesn't mean I don't support the movement, it's the rally that I'm not head over hills over.

I believe that their fight is fucken spot on, but I do feel since their cause garnered support from big name politicians such as Anwar and Nurul Izzah, one feels that if people in power such as themselves are hooked on the agenda, they should, could and would have fought hard since Bersih was first incepted.

The politicians that were with this cause since 2007 could have used the Parliament as the platform since they've taken office, to continue where Bersih 1 left off and brought fresher fights to today's cause.

The opposition has held a stronger hold in the Dewan Rakyat and also controlled states such as Selangor and Penang since 2008. Granted the fact that Penang has remarkably prospered, I feel that this rally should have been a follow up for whatever that has been fought for and not yet been achieved not wait three and a half years to do rekindle what some might call a lost cause.

Admitably, the government's reaction would be very different if this was fought politically but when you come to think of it, the police roadblocks, blacklists and unwarranted arrests would still be there no matter what. Hence, the general sentiment is: a proper separation of doctrines should be imposed in various public sectors such as the EC and MACC among others.

Sectors like this should be free of political influences whatsoever, especially the media, mainstream or not. The media has the right, no fuck that, they have the responsibility to report only the truth. Don't ask me how do we preserve that, I haven't thought about it that far ahead. Just call me an idealist for now.

On another note, I feel that this rally is to take away the spotlight from Anwar's buttsex/sex scandal. It has been done before on both sides of the political divide. Let's not forget the Indian judge and Mongolian model fiasco.

Finally on a more somber note, let's not look at this as an American song, but the sentiment behind the song which was used to express gratitude for servicemen who has fought for their country. This song is dedicated to Baharuddin Ahmad who fell during the rally this afternoon. May your life be for the greater good, whatever that might be.

Freedom isn't free - Trey Parker

What would you do

If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?

What would you do

If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?

Would you think about all them people

Who gave up everything they had?

Would you think about all them War Vets

And would you start to feel bad?

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty in' fee.

And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five

Who will?

What would you do

If someone told you to fight for freedom?

Would you answer the call

Or run away like a little?

'Cause the only reason that you're here

Is 'cause folks died for you in the past

So maybe now it's your turn

To die kicking some ass

Let's just hope we'll stand united when equality is demanded