Five Ways to become a HARIMAU

Seeing that it is about 26 hours till kick-off at the National Stadium between bitter rivals Malaysia and Singapore for a ticket to the World Cup Qualifiers, I've decided to let you in on a few ways to get you in the mood.

How to prepare for a Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers) game?


1. Secure Entry


Make sure that if you aren't as Lucky as Ramon and Mario, you get your tickets early! Don't go around like a fucking hooker on crack trying to ask everyone, anyone and anywhere..including Twitter for tickets the moment the word is mentioned.

So, I bought tickets for 9pm..

Dei, the match is at 8.30pm! You better go early..and you got how many tickets, hor? Got extra ke?

The tickets...Captain America la!

Memang Douchebag la lu, bro!




2. Energize


Remember that games kicking off at 8.45pm can end at midnight. So, make sure you have enough water, food, rest, etc to sustain your energy levels.


Frankly speaking, cheering is almost as tiring as playing the damn sport because when we cheer, often or not our levels will peak in direct retaliation to what's happening on the field - be it a wrong offside call, a Jewish lad kicking the ball..or even dismal performances by our own lads. Therefore, the more often things happen, the more you peak in excitement and you get tired..




3. Seat Right


Generally, there are a few sections when it comes to seating at a stadium.


VIP Boxes
Here's where politicians and big names watch the games. It's believed that within the tinted glasses is a room where you can indulge to your heart's desire.


There even was a rumour that there were strippers, cocaine and midget whores inside a Manchester United - Cardiff or something game.


Grand Stand
This is where rich folks pay more to see the same game from the same distance as the Rakyat Jelata from the other side.


Usually occupied by kids who were bullied in school and think they are cool now.


Home Seats
The whole stadium except the top corner of the stadium and a few more rows


Ultras Malaya
Look out for people at top corners of the stands usually singing and drumming..sometimes dancing and most importantly cheering.


They'll most probably be wearing black tees with yellow scarfs held high









Away Seats
Whatever's left. Possibly 3 rows in some corner with a fucked up view.


For this occasion, look out for an awkward looking group dressed in either red and white (Singapore, not Indonesia) or Blue.






4. Get in the ZONE


To get in the zone, you'd need to prepare your mind and body for the experience. Here's the simplest way to shift to a football fan mindset:

I know the beer is Singaporean but the name is Malaysian but 6 of this, you'll be massive!

If you can't drink, Tiger biscuits also counts!




5. Lose Your Voice


Shout, scream, sing...tell the referee what a cunt he is, taunt the away fans. Go ahead! Don't just sit quietly, you have bloody libraries for that!


Here are a few songs and chants that might help you out tomorrow:


Negaraku


Inilah Barisan Kita

How it is



How it should be sung




Malaysia Chant






So, see you tomorrow in Black and Yellow!

Bend it like Reina

With modern football being somewhat of a fashion statement nowadays...all of the men boys I know have or still are idolizing some football star.

Walk down Drive to your nearby playground and you'll see kids dressed in the same manner their stars dress..from their kits to socks..even the laces on their boots mirror football players.

Here's where it gets interesting..their hairstyles.

Over the years..many people have been copying Beckham or even than Portuguese Prancing Pony Ronaldo..even Edgar Davids and Fellaini hair had followers

Edgar Davids' Predator look

Fellaini..I swear I play fustal with someone that looks like him

Confession: As a boy..I too had dreams of donning hairstyles like these people above. Sadly tho..the way my head is evolving, my only hope is to have hairstyles like Raul Meireles, Gary McAllister or Pepe Reina

Meireles

 

 

 

 

McAllister

Reina

 

 

As you can see..all of us share the same trait..baldness Liverpool FC.

YNWA!

Speaking of football...

Today's Lesson  

Football is not the gayish game Americans play with pads and helmets. 

Football is 22 men running around a field trying to get a ball into a net while Howard Webb one Jackass blows a whistle and two others play with flags while another holds up certain numbers on a board from time to time.

The Americans play: Gay Rugby

She can play on my team...anytime XD

JEFF 101: An Introduction to Jeff

Education time 

I see a lot of people using the term JEFF rather freely nowadays and some of them really do not have the class while using it.

JEFF is not an ordinary word

JEFF can't be thrown around for FUN

So, I've taken (my company's) time to teach you a little on JEFF

JEFF 


JEFF is an English word that is generally considered profane which, in its most literal meaning, refers to the act of sexual intercourse. However, by extension it may be used to negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled, or destroyed.

"JEFF" can be used as a verb, adverb, adjective, command, interjection, noun, and can logically be used as virtually any word in a sentence (e.g., "JEFF the JEFFing JEFFers").

Moreover, it is one of the few words in the English language which could be applied as an infix (e.g., "Am I sexy? AbsoJEFFinglutely!"; "BullJEFFingshit!").

It has various metaphorical meanings.

The verb "to be JEFFed" can mean "to be cheated" (e.g., "I got JEFFed by a scam artist"), or alternatively, to be sexually penetrated.

As a noun "a JEFF" or "a JEFFer" may describe a contemptible person. "A JEFF" may mean an act of copulation. The word can be used as an interjection, and its participle is sometimes used as a strong emphatic.

The verb to JEFF may be used transitively or intransitively, and it appears in compounds, including JEFF off, JEFF up, "JEFF you", and JEFF with. In less explicit usages (but still regarded as vulgar), JEFF or JEFF with can mean to mess around, or to deal with unfairly or harshly. In a phrase such as "don't give a JEFF", the word is the equivalent of "damn", in the sense of something having little value. In "what the JEFF!", it serves merely as an intensive. If something is very abnormal or annoying "this is JEFFed up!" may be said.

Other fun facts about JEFF:

JEFF is the brain-child of Ramon

JEFF is a short for the drug Jeffrey



  JEFF is also the name of this person:

Add him/her on Facebook here


To all who are really named JEFF, it's OK, it's not YOUR fault you were named JEFF. It's not too late to get it changed...LEGALLY!

Tantalizing Final waits Akak FC

Outside favourites Akak FC is one match away from winning the first ever Vuvuzela Cup after a hard fought semi-final match against Raju’s 7 FC.

Rated 146/1 to win the Cup, Akak FC didn’t look at all strong on paper as the manager named a totally make-shift side as most of their superstars are still involved in the World Cup.

The side started without a recognized goalie and midfield hard-man, Joel Black started between the posts. In front of him was Edward James who was unfortunate not to be called up to the Timor Leste World Cup squad as Darian Henry who has imposed a self-exile from the Uzbekistan international squad played right in front of the much improved James.

Timothy ‘Small’ Fernandez spearheaded the attack while on-loan John provided the creative spark in midfield. The five were chosen ahead of brothers Ramon and Mario Singho as well as Jude Alexander who is still not fit to play a full game.

The underdogs took the lead with two quick goals – one stunning individual effort from John while Small reminded his critics on why he is still regarded as the best goal-poacher of his generation.

Mid-game, the manager threw in surprise changes putting Darian in goal and took off Small, Edward and Joel for the introduction of the Singhos and Jude.

Lacking match fitness and playing in an unfamiliar position saw Jude and Darian let in 7 goals as Raju’s 7 FC took the lead for the first time.

Small came in for John and Joel for Jude saw Akak FC recollected themselves and reclaimed the lead through neat passing and clinical finishing.

Akak FC and Raju’s & FC continued to make changes and goals were just coming in for both sides. At the final whistle, Akak FC won the game 21-14.

Underdog tag did wonders

Speaking to the press after the game, Jude noted that going in as underdogs helped ease the pressure to win the game.

“I like the fact that we were given the underdog tags. It helped us focus on the game at hand,” said the full back adding, “When you look at the scoreboard at the final whistle, and you’ve realized you’ve won when the whole world expect you not to win, its an empowering feeling.”

Edward, who has just come back from holiday, on the other hand was more critical of the performance himself although he praised the team for their showing.

“For a while, I was lost, their attackers read my game and I found it hard to cope. I asked to be substituted. On the bench, I watched our opponents carefully and took mental notes so when I came back on the pitch, I was ready for them.

“I’ve got to be honest, we didn’t field our strongest side but the boys really showed what we are made of,” he said while waving to fans.

Ramon, the elder of the Singho brothers believed that Akak took their chances well and the team played well as a unit.

Selection woes as World Cup, injuries and fatigue takes toll on team

Akak FC might be facing a selection crisis as a large number of their players are still not training for various reasons.

Zachary de Costa has been the latest inductee to the injured list when he failed a last minute fitness test. The winger who has been complaining of a strain to his back is expected to be back in training in a few days while club skipper Rueben James is still nursing a hamstring injury.

Several stars including Marshall Francis and Timothy ‘Pato’ Chase are experiencing jetlag after their country; Mongolia was unfortunately eliminated by Austria in a nail-biting quarter-final match which saw the European side go through to the semis after winning the match via penalty kicks.

The Nepalese squad including Shaun Sandhu whom were also eliminated are held up in Cambodia after boarding the wrong plane from South Africa. To make matters worse, their vuvuzelas which the team brought back from the tournament have been confiscated by the Cambodian authorities as the device is said to be a new variation of transporting cocaine. The customs now risk the wrath of Sandhu.

In other news, Kaka, Gab, JJ, Ethan, Terrance and Colin (Trinidad & Tobago), Shwank and Surya Rao along with Francois (Pakistan) will face each other on Thursday evening’s World Cup semi-final match.

The fans however are optimistic that Aaron Mong will return to the squad sooner than expected as there are rumours of Mong experimenting physiotherapy and traditional massages to speed up his recovery from the knee surgery. Also, full-back cum goalie JaQuah who is on loan to Genting is expected to return for a week while Trevor James has taken up coaching and herbal sciences to help boost the team's work rate.

Another matter that is bound to anger the under-pressured manager is striker Anslem ‘Ratatouille’ Gomis’ excuse for missing the game against Raju’s 7 FC. The feisty striker claims he missed the train to the stadium.

Cursed?

Have you abstained from buying pirated DVDs lately, like a teenager trying not to wank on Christmas morning and gone out to watch a movie (hell...any bloody movie. Pedophile vampires that sparkle, perhaps? Or Tin Man from Wizard of Oz's lean mean cousin fighting to save the world?)

Well, if you haven't (you cheapskate dick), go watch one before it's too late, but if you have, you'll notice a certain Nike ad.

In the ad, there are football stars playing in the World Cup (without the awesome vuvuzelas) running and jumping and kicking but whats more important is the split second before they make their next destiny altering move, their lives flash in front of them and by far Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney's is the funniest.

Anyhoo, the advert showed them achieving major success after the World Cup. Now, lets flip the back pages of the biased newspapers.

It seems that all the players highlighted in the ad are no longer in the World Cup and I know that this is pure coincidence, but isn't it fun building conspiracy theories about the sort of hoodoo Adidas cast upon the superstars of Nike right?

Anyhoo,

For all the cheapskate dicks, here's the ad..in HD..NOT!

Drogba, Canavarro, Rooney, Ribery, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo

Oh..Ronaldinho didn't even make the squad.

Team Updates

In a surprise turn of events, star goalkeeper Sushil ‘Murugesu’ Nair (Mon) has rejected a four year contract offer and handed a transfer request to the club in the middle of a tremendous season at the PJ based club.

Announcing his intentions after an empathic victory last Thursday, Mon admitted that although his departure is at the crucial time of the season, his exit is inevitable although he hinted at a possible return to the club.

I know it’s not the best time to leave the team but it’s a very hard decision but we’ll never know, I might end my career here or somewhere else,” said Mon.

A source close to the club has revealed various reasons sparking Mon’s departure. Among them is the on-field bickering with hot-cold forward, Shaun Sandhu who is allegedly unhappy with Mon’s distribution of the ball.

Another possible reason for his departure is said to be the backlash of a prank gone wrong by senior marketing manager, Trevor James.

According a personal friend of the ‘keeper, James had promised an endorsed pair of gloves and only found out of the prank moments before the match, where the team suffered their worst lost of the season, a 22-14 drubbing.

Mon’s final game for the club will be against a mystery side tomorrow where a win would put the club in strong contention for their first title after a mixed last season, seeing them missing out for a place in the continent’s elite competition.

Club president, Jude Alexander has played down suggestions of unrest in the dressing room saying that the club has come a long way and will be able to cope despite the departure of Mon.

“The team is playing well and we’ve finally got a good flow of things. We have turned ourselves into strong title contenders,” said the president before adding, “Mon will be greatly missed but I feel we have enough cover. He’s a great player and we wish him all the best at his new club.”

Trevor James looks set to return in between the sticks next week where he made a name for himself last season and parts of this season after a shock withdrawal from Monday’s training session. He had difficulty breathing and had gone to receive treatment.

In his last match, Mon will have the familiar back three of Jude Alexander, Colin Sta Maria and Joshua Gerard in front of him while the midfield looks rich with Kaka and Zach “Bulls” de Costa anchoring leaving Shaun Sandhu and Trevor James roaming the flanks. Timothy “Smalls” Fernandez will be spearheading the attack with club captain Rueben Moissinac supporting him.

Shwanky should be able to make the bench alongside brothers Ramon and Mario Singho among a host of other talented players, including the Handsome Boys FC.

While Mon becomes be the second player to leave the club after solid defender Theo Oliver’s loan move to another club, the club had officially unveiled recent signings Rayfeal “Kaka” Lopez, Shankara “Shwanky” Rao and Suria, who is trying hard to break into the first team.

Meanwhile, the injury-list of the club has also grown with Shwanky becoming its latest inductee after straining his groin during the last match which will keep him out for five days.

Aaron Mong is also recovering from an injury sustained during the Christmas season. Mong who failed preliminary fitness tests will be out for another month while promising right-back Edward James is still struggling with fitness issues.

What If?

I just hope laws like this never make it in our country.


The only thing that the Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2009 your penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Happpy April Fool's Day To Mario...and to All!

I was browsing NOT looking for porn, when i came across this. I'm so sure Mario would love it. I just hope he's reading...

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

Bear Beer

Intrudu came. Although I thought it's rather soon to celebrate since it's hardly a month since Nan's funeral (GOD REST HER SOUL), we still decided to have some fun after the splashing.

Afternoon came and we were getting ready for the annual fancy-dress (cross-dress) football and Mangs and I were pulling out our respective mother's clothes...from blouses to blusher and even fake moles like Sharifah Aini.

However, we were disappointed by last minute cancellations made by the ever so efficient organizers. *snort !

We decided to sit at the Padang and watch the Soccerstars (including Scott...shit) play football. In the meantime, Zach, Edward and Clifford went to get a few beers. When they came back, I knew they saw things my way...

They came back with cans and cans of Bear Beer. With it's 12% alcohol, everyone got a bit more drunk than usual.



Edward got an earful for trying to miss his bus...Zach drove home stoned...Clifford, Mangs and I walked home shoulder to shoulder to shoulder with cuts and tears on our feet from the bare-footed, alcohol-infused street soccer.

Mangs and I vomited and slept.