This One's for The Ladies

So, after being challenged requested to do a piece about the whisky drinking habits of the fairer sex, I have decided not to do it because of this quote:

"Girls that take whisky seriously are often scary and have husky voices and their farts smell like smoke"  - Vishaal Vickram on most probably not Diandra Soliano

No one fucks, literally or verbally with women whom when they fart, might just be cancerous to inhale. On the other hand, I must insist that I'm not a fart smelling kinda guy...but psychologically whenever someone says they've farted, you do take a whiff, right? Or else how would you know the degree of the stink.. Think about it..

Anyhoo, I've decided to group from wine sipping women to free flow loving girls according to their drink of choice while offering tactless, fact-less insights on their psyche.


Victoria

Having a classy and elegant name, Victorias only sip wine or their bubbly cousins, champagne. Victoria will linger around restaurants that you most probably can't spell, let alone pronounce. Rarely seen drinking by the drain or in a parking lot nearby KK Mart, let alone your apartment that you share with 6 other people.

However, sometimes within the elite, there are some glasses among diamonds. Yes, there are wannabes and god-forbid hipsters.

How to spot faux Vickys?

She might drink according to one variable or another and might not know the true value of the beverage. For example, she/they might choose the oldest or most expensive wine from the menu, without knowing a thing about Merlot, Shiraz, 2007, 2001, South Africa, Chile, etc


Cindy

Cindy enjoys and appreciates the flamboyant and sometimes exquisite skill of the bartender in mixing her the perfect drink (for the occasion).

Ranging from a feisty Margarita to a sexy Singapore Sling or even a hackneyed Gin and Tonic, this lass usually could sip and chug the night away.

Cindy is not neccesarily refined but she does know what she wants and how she wants it for the night. She is usually very cautious on what she puts in her mouth for the night and can be very picky...with her drink.

To pick her up in a bar, one must usually gauge what kind of drink she is drinking and yet offer to buy her something that looks close but not quite the drink in her glass; giving her ego a slight boost and allowing her to think she has control over the lack of your cocktatual (it isn't a word) knowledge.

A common conversation might start like:

Can I buy you another Strawberry Margarita?
Err..you can, but I'm having a Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri, two shots of rum..
(I am in no way promising you a cowgirl ride. Why would I?)


Patsy O'Hara

She is a new breed of lasses who particularly enjoy the dark Irish drink brewed typically by her distant uncle, Arthur.

Emerging strongly among today's women in Malaysia are these elite yet artsy-fartsy group who enjoys their pint(s) of stout and never from the bottle or can.

Usually blue-collared individuals or deeply involved in the arts or media, Patsy have found the perfect elixir for she doesn't particularly enjoy neither the taste of beer or the fear of the development of the magical and omnipresent beer belly nor the strength or kick of a cocktail.

Patsies don't to be taken too lightly. They are no bimbos and are well-versed in the fields they are involved. They have an astute insight and are equally opinionated when it comes to music, film, photography, business and politics.

I like Patsy.

P.S. Some Patsies love ciders and beware, some hipsters live in this zip code.


Alice

Alice is your girl-next-door, ale guzzling hottie!

She enjoys the occasional ice-cold one but drinking capacity can be limited because of the tender ale's tendency of filling up before shoshing up, the broken seal syndrome (frequent pissings) or the most common fear: the beer belly.

Alices are fun to be with and usually have no problem having a bottled beer in a field in a housing estate or while camping out by the road in front of a KK Mart (quick tip: beers are cheaper here than in 7-Eleven) after the wretched barman rings the damn bell!

They have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.

Alice usually makes friends rather quickly and easily with the opposite sex and they have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.


Lindsay

Let me introduce the ultimate free-flowing party girl. These girls seem to have every free-flow pass in town and can be seen at every free-flow party from Jinjang to Sepang.

Before we go on further, I would like to state that free drinks is always awesome but, but, being at every party is somewhat ridiculous, unless you have that magical object called the MEDIA PASS!

These ladies hit the joints early, get liquored up before 10 and sustain till 3am. Yes, they can afford the drinks but free stuff is always just that much sweeter, right.

These lovely ladies are very friendly too, but thread cautiously, alcohol can spark waterworks, green-monsters or even sluttish tendencies! However, more often than not, these lovely ladies either will do ever so well with the decoration of the toilets from her stomach or be seen playing dead outside clubs.




So, what's your name, tell me what's your name?

Assignment Troubles...Solved!

So...

Ravena is a friend was stressed out because she has to finish an assignment of which she doesn't know the question to. Instead of advising her to change her evil ways and to start going for classes, I decided to help her finish her assignment by providing the question or topic of discussion.

Here's how it played out:

Morning..

Indeed it is the morning.

Has it been good to you?

Not at all!

Ughh!!

And with you?

Its been fair

How lucky

How bad has it been for you?

I've been sitting in front of the laptop since 10pm tryna finish an assignment which i don't have the question to...

...and my classmates are a bunch of assholes who aren't replyin' my texts.

Stressful morning!

Call them la!

I did and still no answer

Hows about I give u the question and you answer it la

Hahahahha..OK

Lets start with cup size.

-.-'

How can you describe the size of cups in your house?

Please note that cups may range from tea cups to coffee mugs.

However, masak-masak(toy) tea sets cannot be included

This is not a Multiple Choice Question**, hence answering 'C' will not work.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha...

I'm completely speechless..but I like the way you think

 To help her with her other assignments, add Ravena on Facebook

 Ladies and gents, Ravena Hundal's dog, Sherry

** Multiple Choice Questions also means OBJEKTIF or 'ABCD' for all you dimwits out there. Jeff!

Tantalizing Final waits Akak FC

Outside favourites Akak FC is one match away from winning the first ever Vuvuzela Cup after a hard fought semi-final match against Raju’s 7 FC.

Rated 146/1 to win the Cup, Akak FC didn’t look at all strong on paper as the manager named a totally make-shift side as most of their superstars are still involved in the World Cup.

The side started without a recognized goalie and midfield hard-man, Joel Black started between the posts. In front of him was Edward James who was unfortunate not to be called up to the Timor Leste World Cup squad as Darian Henry who has imposed a self-exile from the Uzbekistan international squad played right in front of the much improved James.

Timothy ‘Small’ Fernandez spearheaded the attack while on-loan John provided the creative spark in midfield. The five were chosen ahead of brothers Ramon and Mario Singho as well as Jude Alexander who is still not fit to play a full game.

The underdogs took the lead with two quick goals – one stunning individual effort from John while Small reminded his critics on why he is still regarded as the best goal-poacher of his generation.

Mid-game, the manager threw in surprise changes putting Darian in goal and took off Small, Edward and Joel for the introduction of the Singhos and Jude.

Lacking match fitness and playing in an unfamiliar position saw Jude and Darian let in 7 goals as Raju’s 7 FC took the lead for the first time.

Small came in for John and Joel for Jude saw Akak FC recollected themselves and reclaimed the lead through neat passing and clinical finishing.

Akak FC and Raju’s & FC continued to make changes and goals were just coming in for both sides. At the final whistle, Akak FC won the game 21-14.

Underdog tag did wonders

Speaking to the press after the game, Jude noted that going in as underdogs helped ease the pressure to win the game.

“I like the fact that we were given the underdog tags. It helped us focus on the game at hand,” said the full back adding, “When you look at the scoreboard at the final whistle, and you’ve realized you’ve won when the whole world expect you not to win, its an empowering feeling.”

Edward, who has just come back from holiday, on the other hand was more critical of the performance himself although he praised the team for their showing.

“For a while, I was lost, their attackers read my game and I found it hard to cope. I asked to be substituted. On the bench, I watched our opponents carefully and took mental notes so when I came back on the pitch, I was ready for them.

“I’ve got to be honest, we didn’t field our strongest side but the boys really showed what we are made of,” he said while waving to fans.

Ramon, the elder of the Singho brothers believed that Akak took their chances well and the team played well as a unit.

Selection woes as World Cup, injuries and fatigue takes toll on team

Akak FC might be facing a selection crisis as a large number of their players are still not training for various reasons.

Zachary de Costa has been the latest inductee to the injured list when he failed a last minute fitness test. The winger who has been complaining of a strain to his back is expected to be back in training in a few days while club skipper Rueben James is still nursing a hamstring injury.

Several stars including Marshall Francis and Timothy ‘Pato’ Chase are experiencing jetlag after their country; Mongolia was unfortunately eliminated by Austria in a nail-biting quarter-final match which saw the European side go through to the semis after winning the match via penalty kicks.

The Nepalese squad including Shaun Sandhu whom were also eliminated are held up in Cambodia after boarding the wrong plane from South Africa. To make matters worse, their vuvuzelas which the team brought back from the tournament have been confiscated by the Cambodian authorities as the device is said to be a new variation of transporting cocaine. The customs now risk the wrath of Sandhu.

In other news, Kaka, Gab, JJ, Ethan, Terrance and Colin (Trinidad & Tobago), Shwank and Surya Rao along with Francois (Pakistan) will face each other on Thursday evening’s World Cup semi-final match.

The fans however are optimistic that Aaron Mong will return to the squad sooner than expected as there are rumours of Mong experimenting physiotherapy and traditional massages to speed up his recovery from the knee surgery. Also, full-back cum goalie JaQuah who is on loan to Genting is expected to return for a week while Trevor James has taken up coaching and herbal sciences to help boost the team's work rate.

Another matter that is bound to anger the under-pressured manager is striker Anslem ‘Ratatouille’ Gomis’ excuse for missing the game against Raju’s 7 FC. The feisty striker claims he missed the train to the stadium.

Cursed?

Have you abstained from buying pirated DVDs lately, like a teenager trying not to wank on Christmas morning and gone out to watch a movie (hell...any bloody movie. Pedophile vampires that sparkle, perhaps? Or Tin Man from Wizard of Oz's lean mean cousin fighting to save the world?)

Well, if you haven't (you cheapskate dick), go watch one before it's too late, but if you have, you'll notice a certain Nike ad.

In the ad, there are football stars playing in the World Cup (without the awesome vuvuzelas) running and jumping and kicking but whats more important is the split second before they make their next destiny altering move, their lives flash in front of them and by far Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney's is the funniest.

Anyhoo, the advert showed them achieving major success after the World Cup. Now, lets flip the back pages of the biased newspapers.

It seems that all the players highlighted in the ad are no longer in the World Cup and I know that this is pure coincidence, but isn't it fun building conspiracy theories about the sort of hoodoo Adidas cast upon the superstars of Nike right?

Anyhoo,

For all the cheapskate dicks, here's the ad..in HD..NOT!

Drogba, Canavarro, Rooney, Ribery, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo

Oh..Ronaldinho didn't even make the squad.

Team Updates

In a surprise turn of events, star goalkeeper Sushil ‘Murugesu’ Nair (Mon) has rejected a four year contract offer and handed a transfer request to the club in the middle of a tremendous season at the PJ based club.

Announcing his intentions after an empathic victory last Thursday, Mon admitted that although his departure is at the crucial time of the season, his exit is inevitable although he hinted at a possible return to the club.

I know it’s not the best time to leave the team but it’s a very hard decision but we’ll never know, I might end my career here or somewhere else,” said Mon.

A source close to the club has revealed various reasons sparking Mon’s departure. Among them is the on-field bickering with hot-cold forward, Shaun Sandhu who is allegedly unhappy with Mon’s distribution of the ball.

Another possible reason for his departure is said to be the backlash of a prank gone wrong by senior marketing manager, Trevor James.

According a personal friend of the ‘keeper, James had promised an endorsed pair of gloves and only found out of the prank moments before the match, where the team suffered their worst lost of the season, a 22-14 drubbing.

Mon’s final game for the club will be against a mystery side tomorrow where a win would put the club in strong contention for their first title after a mixed last season, seeing them missing out for a place in the continent’s elite competition.

Club president, Jude Alexander has played down suggestions of unrest in the dressing room saying that the club has come a long way and will be able to cope despite the departure of Mon.

“The team is playing well and we’ve finally got a good flow of things. We have turned ourselves into strong title contenders,” said the president before adding, “Mon will be greatly missed but I feel we have enough cover. He’s a great player and we wish him all the best at his new club.”

Trevor James looks set to return in between the sticks next week where he made a name for himself last season and parts of this season after a shock withdrawal from Monday’s training session. He had difficulty breathing and had gone to receive treatment.

In his last match, Mon will have the familiar back three of Jude Alexander, Colin Sta Maria and Joshua Gerard in front of him while the midfield looks rich with Kaka and Zach “Bulls” de Costa anchoring leaving Shaun Sandhu and Trevor James roaming the flanks. Timothy “Smalls” Fernandez will be spearheading the attack with club captain Rueben Moissinac supporting him.

Shwanky should be able to make the bench alongside brothers Ramon and Mario Singho among a host of other talented players, including the Handsome Boys FC.

While Mon becomes be the second player to leave the club after solid defender Theo Oliver’s loan move to another club, the club had officially unveiled recent signings Rayfeal “Kaka” Lopez, Shankara “Shwanky” Rao and Suria, who is trying hard to break into the first team.

Meanwhile, the injury-list of the club has also grown with Shwanky becoming its latest inductee after straining his groin during the last match which will keep him out for five days.

Aaron Mong is also recovering from an injury sustained during the Christmas season. Mong who failed preliminary fitness tests will be out for another month while promising right-back Edward James is still struggling with fitness issues.

Updates From K6, UPM

Korang tau tak..

1. si worsop a.k.a jung a.k.a ular sawa nipis kini bekerja sebagai tukang masak untuk PLKN di Sarikei, Sarawak. Beliau dibayar RM624.32 sen sebulan.

2. mutu kumar yang keretanya dicalar dua kali semasa menyontot..i mean menuntut di K6 telahpun membeli kereta baru Limited Edition. Malangnya keretanya hanya boleh bergerak ke depan selepas reverse sedikit dan memang payah untuk kona baring. Beliau telah beli kereta Ferrari di Shell.

3. setelah tamatnya pelajaran mereka (Darian, Awe Snepa, Deng, Didi, Kutam Babi dan Jung) dan kemerosotan kunjungan ke cafe KC oleh Bunjai, Zaki, Acu, Harun, Sadam dan beberapa orang lagi pada semester lepas, cafe KC telah mengumumkan pengurangan defasit sebanyak RM 16.52juta dan dijangka akan mula mencapai keuntungan RM 10.00 pada minggu ke-8 semester depan. Walau bagaimanapun, keuntungan ini hanya boleh tercapai jika Bondoy menyetelkan hutang nama-nama yang tersenarai di atas.

4. setelah mengalami kekalahan tipis, calon MIC Mohan Das enggan dilantik sebagai menteri dalam Kementerian Alkohol dan Tembakau. Beliau menyatakan hasrat untuk mendirikan rumah dan tangga adalah faktor utama merehatkan diri dari politik.

Sekian,


Darian Henry