This One's for The Ladies

So, after being challenged requested to do a piece about the whisky drinking habits of the fairer sex, I have decided not to do it because of this quote:

"Girls that take whisky seriously are often scary and have husky voices and their farts smell like smoke"  - Vishaal Vickram on most probably not Diandra Soliano

No one fucks, literally or verbally with women whom when they fart, might just be cancerous to inhale. On the other hand, I must insist that I'm not a fart smelling kinda guy...but psychologically whenever someone says they've farted, you do take a whiff, right? Or else how would you know the degree of the stink.. Think about it..

Anyhoo, I've decided to group from wine sipping women to free flow loving girls according to their drink of choice while offering tactless, fact-less insights on their psyche.


Victoria

Having a classy and elegant name, Victorias only sip wine or their bubbly cousins, champagne. Victoria will linger around restaurants that you most probably can't spell, let alone pronounce. Rarely seen drinking by the drain or in a parking lot nearby KK Mart, let alone your apartment that you share with 6 other people.

However, sometimes within the elite, there are some glasses among diamonds. Yes, there are wannabes and god-forbid hipsters.

How to spot faux Vickys?

She might drink according to one variable or another and might not know the true value of the beverage. For example, she/they might choose the oldest or most expensive wine from the menu, without knowing a thing about Merlot, Shiraz, 2007, 2001, South Africa, Chile, etc


Cindy

Cindy enjoys and appreciates the flamboyant and sometimes exquisite skill of the bartender in mixing her the perfect drink (for the occasion).

Ranging from a feisty Margarita to a sexy Singapore Sling or even a hackneyed Gin and Tonic, this lass usually could sip and chug the night away.

Cindy is not neccesarily refined but she does know what she wants and how she wants it for the night. She is usually very cautious on what she puts in her mouth for the night and can be very picky...with her drink.

To pick her up in a bar, one must usually gauge what kind of drink she is drinking and yet offer to buy her something that looks close but not quite the drink in her glass; giving her ego a slight boost and allowing her to think she has control over the lack of your cocktatual (it isn't a word) knowledge.

A common conversation might start like:

Can I buy you another Strawberry Margarita?
Err..you can, but I'm having a Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri, two shots of rum..
(I am in no way promising you a cowgirl ride. Why would I?)


Patsy O'Hara

She is a new breed of lasses who particularly enjoy the dark Irish drink brewed typically by her distant uncle, Arthur.

Emerging strongly among today's women in Malaysia are these elite yet artsy-fartsy group who enjoys their pint(s) of stout and never from the bottle or can.

Usually blue-collared individuals or deeply involved in the arts or media, Patsy have found the perfect elixir for she doesn't particularly enjoy neither the taste of beer or the fear of the development of the magical and omnipresent beer belly nor the strength or kick of a cocktail.

Patsies don't to be taken too lightly. They are no bimbos and are well-versed in the fields they are involved. They have an astute insight and are equally opinionated when it comes to music, film, photography, business and politics.

I like Patsy.

P.S. Some Patsies love ciders and beware, some hipsters live in this zip code.


Alice

Alice is your girl-next-door, ale guzzling hottie!

She enjoys the occasional ice-cold one but drinking capacity can be limited because of the tender ale's tendency of filling up before shoshing up, the broken seal syndrome (frequent pissings) or the most common fear: the beer belly.

Alices are fun to be with and usually have no problem having a bottled beer in a field in a housing estate or while camping out by the road in front of a KK Mart (quick tip: beers are cheaper here than in 7-Eleven) after the wretched barman rings the damn bell!

They have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.

Alice usually makes friends rather quickly and easily with the opposite sex and they have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.


Lindsay

Let me introduce the ultimate free-flowing party girl. These girls seem to have every free-flow pass in town and can be seen at every free-flow party from Jinjang to Sepang.

Before we go on further, I would like to state that free drinks is always awesome but, but, being at every party is somewhat ridiculous, unless you have that magical object called the MEDIA PASS!

These ladies hit the joints early, get liquored up before 10 and sustain till 3am. Yes, they can afford the drinks but free stuff is always just that much sweeter, right.

These lovely ladies are very friendly too, but thread cautiously, alcohol can spark waterworks, green-monsters or even sluttish tendencies! However, more often than not, these lovely ladies either will do ever so well with the decoration of the toilets from her stomach or be seen playing dead outside clubs.




So, what's your name, tell me what's your name?

Why I want to drink like a Sir?

Most probably the manliest drinks of all time, aligned with the fight scenes in Fight Club and probably with the amount of manliness the new Expendables movie has, is the full flavoured, unassuming scotch whisky.

Known as the Water of Life in the early days, Scotch whisky was said to have healing properties. No, instead of being sloshed, William Wallace had real guts and gusto to take on the King of England, HRH King Longshanks!

Over the years, like everything typically American (go see how they and the rest of the world play football), they tried to distil Scotch, fucked it up and came up with this whiskey drink they named after a county in Kentucky, Bourbon. I ain't dissin' the drink, but the primary difference, to me is the spelling and the usage of sour mash. 

Now if you look at Jack Daniel's you could ask yourself: What is Tennessee Whiskey or you could say that Mr. Daniel's could be pulling off and American within America..Americanception; or you could do what I do and shut the hell up and drink!

Now, to distract you from the fact that Jack Daniel's isn't a bourbon, here's a poem on spelling:

Whisky or Whiskey

A Scotsman who spells

Whisky with a n ‘e’,

should be hand cuffed

and thrown head first in the Dee,

In the USA and Ireland,

it’s spelt with an ‘e’

but in Scotland

it’s real ‘Whisky’.

So if you see Whisky

and it has an ‘e’,

only take it,

if you get it for free!

For the name is not the same

and it never will be,

a dram is only a real dram,

from a bottle of ‘Scotch Whisky’.

In KL, regardless if we hit the clubs in Changkat, pubs in PJ or the fuck coffee shops in Brickfields..as long as there's a few friends feasting over a/a few bottle(s) of blended or single malt scotch, there'll be different styles of drinking.

I'm not saying you are doing it wrong..I'm just going to evaluate the whisky drinkers by their mixers..beginning with the all time Malaysian favourite:

The Basic Drinkers

Many a times we see the wannabe Ah Beng-sters, Ali-sters (kinda cool, actually) or even Raj-sters buy bottles and bottles of whiskies and when the waiter comes to them and ask: Mixer? Out comes the cola and ice.. Oh Lord, not only are they killing the whisky's taste with the taste of the cola, but the ice actually waters down the whole thing leaving nothing to be enjoyed besides cold sugar water!

These people usually:

Don't like the taste of whisky

Believe the added caffeine and sugar will help them get high faster

Stick to milk if you don't like the taste of whisky 

The Hipsters

Now they might choose a non-cola mixer, but don't get me wrong, these people also aren't able to enjoy a nice glass of whisky.

At one glance, you'd think they are more refined by mixing a non-cola drink in their whiskey. But in reality regardless if they indulge in a dash of green tea or even a quart of hot chocolate (I don't know how it tastes like), this way of drinking whisky is only good for their hobo-looking, iPhone dialling, empty framed, snow cap wearing sorry asses.

Oh, these are also the people who fuck up wine by adding 7-Up, grape juice, lemon, etc... Bastards!

The 9.5s

These guys, almost pure class. They are the type who know not to fuck up the drink with A&W Root Beer or bastardly tomato juice but yet don't want the full dosage of the flavour of whisky in their mouth.

These guys can be spotted drinking whisky with water and ice, ginger ale, soda or even on the rocks. Almost close to pure perfection but not quite.

Ladies, these are the guys you should date and will be great lovers in bed..

The 'Like a Sirs'

Now these guys take it to a different level.

These guys are the epitome of exquisiteness of whom celebrate art as they yearn to take on and overcome the greatest challenges in life.

Whisky with a splash of water in a proper whisky glass, a tulip shaped glass.

A splash of water, they say will ignite the full taste of the whisky and its aroma will rise boldly according to the shape of the glass and evoke every nasal sense, sending euphoric signals to the brain to raise the glass and let the fluid flow past the lips to caress every inch of your mouth leaving it indulgently lost in the golden comfort of malted barley provoking a deep hunger for this perfectly crafted elixir which for years matured patiently within the confines of the sturdiest of oak casks ensuring the body and colour is preserved over at least three years.

This man doesn't down his whisky, he toasts every sip to the craftsmanship and beauty of producing a gentlemen's drink

This man drinks not because he can, he drinks because he is

This man will develop a strong passion towards the arts and a deeper appreciation towards artistry

This man is worldly with oceans of knowledge and wealth of opinions that he is ever willing to share

This man, sadly, is not me...yet

A manly drink, maybe...but it's drinkers can be pussies - Darian Henry (with Vishaal Vickram while setting Diandra Soliano right)

Notice there are no damn pictures today..Why? Because Nuffnang already has fucked me over for the past 4 years without giving me a cent...so, why should I promote another brand?