This One's for The Ladies

So, after being challenged requested to do a piece about the whisky drinking habits of the fairer sex, I have decided not to do it because of this quote:

"Girls that take whisky seriously are often scary and have husky voices and their farts smell like smoke"  - Vishaal Vickram on most probably not Diandra Soliano

No one fucks, literally or verbally with women whom when they fart, might just be cancerous to inhale. On the other hand, I must insist that I'm not a fart smelling kinda guy...but psychologically whenever someone says they've farted, you do take a whiff, right? Or else how would you know the degree of the stink.. Think about it..

Anyhoo, I've decided to group from wine sipping women to free flow loving girls according to their drink of choice while offering tactless, fact-less insights on their psyche.


Victoria

Having a classy and elegant name, Victorias only sip wine or their bubbly cousins, champagne. Victoria will linger around restaurants that you most probably can't spell, let alone pronounce. Rarely seen drinking by the drain or in a parking lot nearby KK Mart, let alone your apartment that you share with 6 other people.

However, sometimes within the elite, there are some glasses among diamonds. Yes, there are wannabes and god-forbid hipsters.

How to spot faux Vickys?

She might drink according to one variable or another and might not know the true value of the beverage. For example, she/they might choose the oldest or most expensive wine from the menu, without knowing a thing about Merlot, Shiraz, 2007, 2001, South Africa, Chile, etc


Cindy

Cindy enjoys and appreciates the flamboyant and sometimes exquisite skill of the bartender in mixing her the perfect drink (for the occasion).

Ranging from a feisty Margarita to a sexy Singapore Sling or even a hackneyed Gin and Tonic, this lass usually could sip and chug the night away.

Cindy is not neccesarily refined but she does know what she wants and how she wants it for the night. She is usually very cautious on what she puts in her mouth for the night and can be very picky...with her drink.

To pick her up in a bar, one must usually gauge what kind of drink she is drinking and yet offer to buy her something that looks close but not quite the drink in her glass; giving her ego a slight boost and allowing her to think she has control over the lack of your cocktatual (it isn't a word) knowledge.

A common conversation might start like:

Can I buy you another Strawberry Margarita?
Err..you can, but I'm having a Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri, two shots of rum..
(I am in no way promising you a cowgirl ride. Why would I?)


Patsy O'Hara

She is a new breed of lasses who particularly enjoy the dark Irish drink brewed typically by her distant uncle, Arthur.

Emerging strongly among today's women in Malaysia are these elite yet artsy-fartsy group who enjoys their pint(s) of stout and never from the bottle or can.

Usually blue-collared individuals or deeply involved in the arts or media, Patsy have found the perfect elixir for she doesn't particularly enjoy neither the taste of beer or the fear of the development of the magical and omnipresent beer belly nor the strength or kick of a cocktail.

Patsies don't to be taken too lightly. They are no bimbos and are well-versed in the fields they are involved. They have an astute insight and are equally opinionated when it comes to music, film, photography, business and politics.

I like Patsy.

P.S. Some Patsies love ciders and beware, some hipsters live in this zip code.


Alice

Alice is your girl-next-door, ale guzzling hottie!

She enjoys the occasional ice-cold one but drinking capacity can be limited because of the tender ale's tendency of filling up before shoshing up, the broken seal syndrome (frequent pissings) or the most common fear: the beer belly.

Alices are fun to be with and usually have no problem having a bottled beer in a field in a housing estate or while camping out by the road in front of a KK Mart (quick tip: beers are cheaper here than in 7-Eleven) after the wretched barman rings the damn bell!

They have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.

Alice usually makes friends rather quickly and easily with the opposite sex and they have somewhat no problem taking a piss at a secluded stairway.


Lindsay

Let me introduce the ultimate free-flowing party girl. These girls seem to have every free-flow pass in town and can be seen at every free-flow party from Jinjang to Sepang.

Before we go on further, I would like to state that free drinks is always awesome but, but, being at every party is somewhat ridiculous, unless you have that magical object called the MEDIA PASS!

These ladies hit the joints early, get liquored up before 10 and sustain till 3am. Yes, they can afford the drinks but free stuff is always just that much sweeter, right.

These lovely ladies are very friendly too, but thread cautiously, alcohol can spark waterworks, green-monsters or even sluttish tendencies! However, more often than not, these lovely ladies either will do ever so well with the decoration of the toilets from her stomach or be seen playing dead outside clubs.




So, what's your name, tell me what's your name?

Why I want to drink like a Sir?

Most probably the manliest drinks of all time, aligned with the fight scenes in Fight Club and probably with the amount of manliness the new Expendables movie has, is the full flavoured, unassuming scotch whisky.

Known as the Water of Life in the early days, Scotch whisky was said to have healing properties. No, instead of being sloshed, William Wallace had real guts and gusto to take on the King of England, HRH King Longshanks!

Over the years, like everything typically American (go see how they and the rest of the world play football), they tried to distil Scotch, fucked it up and came up with this whiskey drink they named after a county in Kentucky, Bourbon. I ain't dissin' the drink, but the primary difference, to me is the spelling and the usage of sour mash. 

Now if you look at Jack Daniel's you could ask yourself: What is Tennessee Whiskey or you could say that Mr. Daniel's could be pulling off and American within America..Americanception; or you could do what I do and shut the hell up and drink!

Now, to distract you from the fact that Jack Daniel's isn't a bourbon, here's a poem on spelling:

Whisky or Whiskey

A Scotsman who spells

Whisky with a n ‘e’,

should be hand cuffed

and thrown head first in the Dee,

In the USA and Ireland,

it’s spelt with an ‘e’

but in Scotland

it’s real ‘Whisky’.

So if you see Whisky

and it has an ‘e’,

only take it,

if you get it for free!

For the name is not the same

and it never will be,

a dram is only a real dram,

from a bottle of ‘Scotch Whisky’.

In KL, regardless if we hit the clubs in Changkat, pubs in PJ or the fuck coffee shops in Brickfields..as long as there's a few friends feasting over a/a few bottle(s) of blended or single malt scotch, there'll be different styles of drinking.

I'm not saying you are doing it wrong..I'm just going to evaluate the whisky drinkers by their mixers..beginning with the all time Malaysian favourite:

The Basic Drinkers

Many a times we see the wannabe Ah Beng-sters, Ali-sters (kinda cool, actually) or even Raj-sters buy bottles and bottles of whiskies and when the waiter comes to them and ask: Mixer? Out comes the cola and ice.. Oh Lord, not only are they killing the whisky's taste with the taste of the cola, but the ice actually waters down the whole thing leaving nothing to be enjoyed besides cold sugar water!

These people usually:

Don't like the taste of whisky

Believe the added caffeine and sugar will help them get high faster

Stick to milk if you don't like the taste of whisky 

The Hipsters

Now they might choose a non-cola mixer, but don't get me wrong, these people also aren't able to enjoy a nice glass of whisky.

At one glance, you'd think they are more refined by mixing a non-cola drink in their whiskey. But in reality regardless if they indulge in a dash of green tea or even a quart of hot chocolate (I don't know how it tastes like), this way of drinking whisky is only good for their hobo-looking, iPhone dialling, empty framed, snow cap wearing sorry asses.

Oh, these are also the people who fuck up wine by adding 7-Up, grape juice, lemon, etc... Bastards!

The 9.5s

These guys, almost pure class. They are the type who know not to fuck up the drink with A&W Root Beer or bastardly tomato juice but yet don't want the full dosage of the flavour of whisky in their mouth.

These guys can be spotted drinking whisky with water and ice, ginger ale, soda or even on the rocks. Almost close to pure perfection but not quite.

Ladies, these are the guys you should date and will be great lovers in bed..

The 'Like a Sirs'

Now these guys take it to a different level.

These guys are the epitome of exquisiteness of whom celebrate art as they yearn to take on and overcome the greatest challenges in life.

Whisky with a splash of water in a proper whisky glass, a tulip shaped glass.

A splash of water, they say will ignite the full taste of the whisky and its aroma will rise boldly according to the shape of the glass and evoke every nasal sense, sending euphoric signals to the brain to raise the glass and let the fluid flow past the lips to caress every inch of your mouth leaving it indulgently lost in the golden comfort of malted barley provoking a deep hunger for this perfectly crafted elixir which for years matured patiently within the confines of the sturdiest of oak casks ensuring the body and colour is preserved over at least three years.

This man doesn't down his whisky, he toasts every sip to the craftsmanship and beauty of producing a gentlemen's drink

This man drinks not because he can, he drinks because he is

This man will develop a strong passion towards the arts and a deeper appreciation towards artistry

This man is worldly with oceans of knowledge and wealth of opinions that he is ever willing to share

This man, sadly, is not me...yet

A manly drink, maybe...but it's drinkers can be pussies - Darian Henry (with Vishaal Vickram while setting Diandra Soliano right)

Notice there are no damn pictures today..Why? Because Nuffnang already has fucked me over for the past 4 years without giving me a cent...so, why should I promote another brand?

New Look; New Post

So, I've decided to change the look and reposition of some of the stuff from right to left not because I lack the creativity but because I'm not very smart when it comes to html..so I fear the slightest error will send my computer crumbling into tiny little bits and like Humpty Dumpty, I will never be able to put it back again.

Kudos to Ayin for helping me out..Great help!

No lah, I'm not that stupid (I try to convince myself everyday without fail), I just wanted change. Change from a lot of things. I was hoping that this blog will get things rolling..

Anyhoo, why change?
Why the fuck not?

Theoretically..you can be one of three agents of change.. You can be...

...the one who initiates change
...the one who administers change
...the one who is forced to change regardless of his/her willingness

Let's look at this from a perspective that's larger than life: THE FACEBOOK TIMELINE FIASCO

...the one who initiates change...

OK.. Like it or not, Mark Zuckerberg has this one policy: Swallow all the shit I feed you! From the first time Facebook became popular till today, he has made changes that no one really knows why. Perhaps Napster asked him to do so, perhaps he wants to see the world end (for some people), or because he truly believes that the change will be good and help us communicate better with one another and hide dirty linen harder from one another.

Zuckerbeng, seen here with his wife, Chan who wasn't interesting enough to make it to the movie..perhaps they haven't met, give me a break..sheesh!

The bottom-line is he initiated how Facebook looks!


...the one who administers change...


Here we have people who zealously and sometimes mindlessly carried out what's being asked of them. This has been looked as a noble and loyal gesture not only in the corporate world, but in the likes of the military and some even believe...in heaven. They say money, honour and a new set of feathers on their wings have driven them to do such things.

Well we will leave God and the army aside and look at YOU! Yes, you in the super-awesome-I-will-puke-rainbows-on-your-grandmother's-eyebrow-and-cure-her-from-cataract-like Facebook office!

See, these Facebook administrators have been doing the will of Zuckerberg.. first they send pop-ups and tutorials, then later they threaten us by giving a deadline, then they simply switch your profile to the Timeline and there goes your privacy settings. Now your boyfriend will for sure know you are fucking around..but all fixable within seconds.. Cheers for opposable thumbs and adaptability!

Whether they like the new Timeline or not they have to do it..therefore making them the administrators of change..


...the one who is forced to change regardless of his/her willingness...

My personal favourite, the end users..you, me, the people we love, along with millions of jerks!

You can say a lot about the way a person accepts change by the way they handled the Timeline issue..we have:

The Optimist:

Makes the best of things and does well with change
Will most likely look at the Timeline as another way to express creativity and him/herself
Still enforces custom privacy settings

Page will most likely look something like:

The Neutral:

Doesn't really care about the new changes

Changes profile picture

Updates status

Still enables privacy settings

Visit my FB page  to see how a Neutralist's page looks like..mine is somewhat private..

The Negative Nancies/Nicks

Will bitch about the Timeline

Will tag you in a picture about liking/sharing so Zuckerberg will revert to the old profiles after 200,000,000,000 'likes'

Will reminisce  about how awesome FB used to be

Will claim to have found a solution to the Timeline problem, which in reality is just some browser settings which is also kinda like having an unshaven crotch hiding a small penis and masturbating in front of a two-way mirror.. embarrassing on so many levels..

Oh you know those people..if you don't, it's most probably you then.. 

So well, just wanted to say either embrace it, initiate it or administer it..either way change is gonna happen!

Change is neither good nor bad..it simply is - Don Draper, Mad Men

Bersih: Just in case you wanna go for another one (Post 3/3)

This Bersih rally being my first public rally and all, I have been enlightened to a different level and have experienced stuff that I never before imagined.

I think I am a chaos-addict...seeking excitement in chaotic situations but getting back to the topic at hand, I want to share some things that will and wont work during a rally, IF you decide to see and evaluate first hand and not comment on Facebook a few days later or if you just wanna get gassed and run around..

Let's face it, with Anwar (there is proof that you, sir, motioned to the other bloke to rile up the crowd) at the mix, the rally was always going to tear gas and water cannons anyway.  

The DO's and DON'Ts at a public riot rally

DO...

...observe personal hygiene

Throughout the rally I had some quiet demonstrators, and more overzealous ones...you know, the ones where they have arms out, punching the air, screaming their believes marching next to me..boy was I fucked! 

I'm not the neatest person in the world, ask anyone, but I made sure I had a good shit, shower and shave (just in case I get caught and the cops want me to do nekkid push-ups or Nurul Izzah falls for me), brushed my teeth, used mouthwash, deodorant, my Paco Rabane perfume (just in case lah, dammit!) and headed to Central Market.

Somehow, a lot of people don't get that. Cipet there was one point, I nearly died from underarm smells and nearly died again as I looked to my left, only to be met with the stinging breath smelling like shit from a zombie monkey being flung my way..ughh!

Deodorise, people! The brands nowadays guarantee 24-hour protection, and if you have inherited smelly genes then bring lah one cannister/tube/bottle...what's the use of carrying a bloody huge backpack if you can't fit it in!

...dress the part

Firstly, comfort and practicality is a priority! T shirt, jeans or shorts and shoes will be awesome enough... go easy on the make-up, hair and nail extensions, you are here to rock a cause, not the runway.

NO LEATHER JACKETS! I've seen a douchebag wearing a leather jacket with studs and spikes while we were retreating from them gasses. Why, God? Why? It was already so hot...and the gas and the water...

Brother, if you are reading this, at Bersih 4.0 or if Ultras Malaya decide to hold a rally to get the President of FAM to resign, wear a fucking raincoat/military suit!

If you believe and identify in the cause, show your support. Wear whatever they are wearing, be it a yellow or green top, a red one (last year, to protest the yellow fellas), or even a mask.

Just a reminder, swimming goggles and bandana's don't work against the gas! The sweat will seep in beneath the rubber and the lenses will fog up, leaving you no choice but to remove the goggles. Trust me, I lost my goggles and bandana in the retreat.

Remember to keep it light. There will be a lot of running and marching.

Slippers can be very dangerous. One misstep at the back of a slipper is all you need to either cause a stampede or being a floor mat. I must say this - Malaysians were very careful not to let people stay on the ground for long that day.

DON'T...

...obstruct the traffic/retreat flow

While the people at the front of the rally became the lasts one in line when the retreat began, there were plenty more people coming and heading full force towards Dataran Merdeka. 

As the people are screaming to turn back and retreat a little so we can have some breathing room, you would think the oncoming ones will at least give room...but NO, not till they saw the trucks; and by this time cannister after cannister have been shot.

Yeah, you are zealous warriors...but get the fuck out of the way! Although I loved the rush, the pain was real too! 

You back-seat generals gotta move backwards and not urging us to move on..give us room and go get your share of abuse...there were kids retreating too...which brings me to the next point!

...bring your kids to a rally!

My rule of probability has only two outcomes: 50-50. Example: What are my chances of winning the lottery? 50% = you will win; 50% you will not. 

At my day job, I get asked by parents every time: So, what are the chances of my son/daughter/son-that-will-soon-be-daughterish-and-have-videos-lip-syncing-to-Malay-rock-songs-in-hotels-in-KL passing his exams?


Fifty-fucking-percent..either he passes or fails.. See now if he asked What are the chances in passing and getting an A+? I'd be forced to see how many passing grades there and have 50 divided the number of grades from a C- (or D) to an A+. 


Geddit? No? Watch this:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Serdang Angels!

Anyhoo, the point here is..There's a 50% probability that the rally was gonna turn hostile..and it did! Which leaves me questioning:

What the fuck made you bring your 2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/teenage kid (choose, I saw them all that day) to Masjid James Jamek? 

Your kid is too young to understand what's going on. Values need to be instilled, yes, but come the time, they will be living in a different world, different politicians, different problems...why ruin the innocence and unbiased views of a child now?


Your kid isn't your fucking shield!
You are gonna get gassed! So beat it! Don't subject your child to gasses and the water. God knows what kind of drugs they put in those things...we overfed, overgrown adults can't take it, why subject your child to harms like this?


Based on that two things, Malaysia should have a rule towards pro-creation! If you have done either one or both of those things, get a vasectomy/tubectomy..please!!!


Rule of thumb: If you still buy the toothpaste he uses each morning, don't let him go anywhere near the rally!

Good night!

Five Ways to become a HARIMAU

Seeing that it is about 26 hours till kick-off at the National Stadium between bitter rivals Malaysia and Singapore for a ticket to the World Cup Qualifiers, I've decided to let you in on a few ways to get you in the mood.

How to prepare for a Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers) game?


1. Secure Entry


Make sure that if you aren't as Lucky as Ramon and Mario, you get your tickets early! Don't go around like a fucking hooker on crack trying to ask everyone, anyone and anywhere..including Twitter for tickets the moment the word is mentioned.

So, I bought tickets for 9pm..

Dei, the match is at 8.30pm! You better go early..and you got how many tickets, hor? Got extra ke?

The tickets...Captain America la!

Memang Douchebag la lu, bro!




2. Energize


Remember that games kicking off at 8.45pm can end at midnight. So, make sure you have enough water, food, rest, etc to sustain your energy levels.


Frankly speaking, cheering is almost as tiring as playing the damn sport because when we cheer, often or not our levels will peak in direct retaliation to what's happening on the field - be it a wrong offside call, a Jewish lad kicking the ball..or even dismal performances by our own lads. Therefore, the more often things happen, the more you peak in excitement and you get tired..




3. Seat Right


Generally, there are a few sections when it comes to seating at a stadium.


VIP Boxes
Here's where politicians and big names watch the games. It's believed that within the tinted glasses is a room where you can indulge to your heart's desire.


There even was a rumour that there were strippers, cocaine and midget whores inside a Manchester United - Cardiff or something game.


Grand Stand
This is where rich folks pay more to see the same game from the same distance as the Rakyat Jelata from the other side.


Usually occupied by kids who were bullied in school and think they are cool now.


Home Seats
The whole stadium except the top corner of the stadium and a few more rows


Ultras Malaya
Look out for people at top corners of the stands usually singing and drumming..sometimes dancing and most importantly cheering.


They'll most probably be wearing black tees with yellow scarfs held high









Away Seats
Whatever's left. Possibly 3 rows in some corner with a fucked up view.


For this occasion, look out for an awkward looking group dressed in either red and white (Singapore, not Indonesia) or Blue.






4. Get in the ZONE


To get in the zone, you'd need to prepare your mind and body for the experience. Here's the simplest way to shift to a football fan mindset:

I know the beer is Singaporean but the name is Malaysian but 6 of this, you'll be massive!

If you can't drink, Tiger biscuits also counts!




5. Lose Your Voice


Shout, scream, sing...tell the referee what a cunt he is, taunt the away fans. Go ahead! Don't just sit quietly, you have bloody libraries for that!


Here are a few songs and chants that might help you out tomorrow:


Negaraku


Inilah Barisan Kita

How it is



How it should be sung




Malaysia Chant






So, see you tomorrow in Black and Yellow!

My Shitty Day (Official Story)

Against all my wishes, I went for today's meeting with the label. Although it was fruitful to a certain extent, I might have bitten off more than I can digest.

After lunch, I took the MRR2 back to my proposed location of choice, Cyberjaya. I didn't make it back, of course..

See, about 500m before the nearest petrol station, I felt the Shits* growing. So, I decided to speed up and hurry to the toilet. I made it there, of course and I only had one option, a squatting cubicle. I rolled my pants and undies and did my business well but as I reached for the hose, yes, I wash, my pants slipped from my armpit grip and fell in the toilet bowl.

I laughed then realised that I had nothing to wear but my pink-polka-dot-motif-boxers. I panicked! In my mind raced a million thoughts and the huge hole in my boxers was as useful as a one-legged man in a football match.

Please pay attention to only the boxers

If this ever happens to you, here's what you should do:


1.  Damage Control


If it's just a small patch, wash and pretend nothing happened. However, if like me once upon a time ago, my undies got soiled, roll the damn thing and throw it away. Then go commando and enjoy the soft touches of the fabric on your skin.


What happens if the toilet is full of people knocking on your door asking you to hurry the fuck up?
Shove the son-of-a-bitch in the toilet pump thingy and please have the decency to off the tap.




2.  Do the right thing


Like what I did today, I called my boss who thankfully is my childhood friend, Mrs Violet Francis-Monterio and explained the situation:

Lett, I have something to tell you. Please don't get angry and try not to laugh

What's that?

My pants fell in the toilet bowl

(I swear she had the how-did-you-shit-that-your-pants-can-fall-into-the-bowl thought in her mind)

How can happen?

(I explained the situation)

I'll go home and change my pants then I'll come back to office

Hahahahaha..No need la..

So, I ran out of the toilet, wearing only my boxers and pants wet and rolled in my hands.

 P.S. I'll explain what Shits* mean some other time

Self Help: How to shave with ONE SHAVER

Remember a few posts back, which seems like forever from today? You know, the one about the benefits of shaving?

Fuck, you do have the memory of a bloody gold fish. This is the post I'm talking about!

Ever since that post, I've been getting loads of questions. I was amazed at the different levels of questions I got. I didn't know whether I should laugh, cry, spit shit out of my nose or just go fuck a mermaid but here are some of the questions which I'll  answer here but do take note that I'm not paid to entertain questions like these and your daddy should be the one teaching you about shaving (Ladies with daddy issues, kindly drop your number).

Q:  Would you recommend a three or four bladed razor?

A:  Why don't you go all out and get a seven-bladed one

 

 

 

Get this perhaps

Q:  How much foam should I apply?

A:  Fuck off!

Q:  How often should I shave?

A:  Depends how long your hair takes to grow, you bloody gorilla!

However, this takes the cake:

I only have one shaver? How do I go about shaving my whole body?

Firstly, how the fuck do you have only ONE SHAVER? Don't you have a 7-11  or a KK Mart nearby or a kitchen knife? Please get another shaver...or two!

If you live on a tree beside a cave in the middle of the jungle and your only way out is to be eagle bait, then let me shed some light on how you should shave yourself.

Rule of thumb is, please trim yourself to have hair/fur at most 3cm. Get scissors or a lawnmower. Now comes the important bit. Essentially, men need to keep all parts well groomed. Therefore equipped with only ONE shaver, please shave in this order:

Face
Chest 

Back (If you have limbs of a spider monkey)

Armpit

Crotch

Always shave till you are happy with the result and never, Never, NEVER go back. You just don't shave your face then move to your balls and say:

Hey, I think that little patch under my lower lip needs no go.. 

Sick!

I can fight baboons..can you?

So, I've been letting my brain wander off during a very HOT day at work and I found out I can take on 38 baboons. See, I even got the official certificate to show

If I was armed with a 'flash-pussy-light' thingy, I'd probably take on more!

Created by Oatmeal

The Official Chick Code...Part 2

The Chick Code

Article 31:
When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.

Article 32:
A Chick must get married before she's forty.

Article 33:
When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors, even by accident; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the next stall when you find that the stall you chose has no toilet paper rather than asking anyone if they could pass her any (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser thingy); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.

Article 34:
Chicks never reveal where they get their toys especially when involved in lesbian intercourse or a tricycle.

Article 35:
A Chick never rents or buys porn.

Article 36:
When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her boyfriend, then he comments on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the bf's reaction comment (aka catching him staring at her breasts--but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).

Article 37:
A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)

Article 38:
Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, or attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, or "No-No Square". Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is also not acceptable, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.

Article 39:
When a Chick exchanges numbers with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" thing guys do.

Article 40:
Should a Chick get the chance to be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. And they shall also throw her a kick ass bachelorette party as one last fling.

Article 41:
A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).

Article 42:
Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, or light ass smack, but never a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians.

Article 43:
A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.

Article 44:
A Chick may never take off or move around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her top is acceptable.

Article 45:
A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not completely prohibited.

Article 46:
If a Chick is seated next to a Chick who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up more than once to use the lavatory; or (d) is really fat.

Article 47:
A Chick loves pink, regardless to whether or not she really does live pink.

Article 48:
A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) or risky party game (i.e. Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Would You Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).

Article 49:
When asked, "Do you need some help?" by a super hot guy, a Chick always replies yes, whether or not she's really got it.

Article 50:
If a Chick should accidentally boob or butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob or butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush.

Article 51:
A Chick checks out another Chick's blind date and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind date is obligated to still go on the date and give the guy a chance even if the report is bad.

Article 52:
A Chick is required to remember her Side-Chick's birthdays and anniversaries, and children's birthdays and anniversaries.

Article 53:
Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night.

Article 54:
A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation Day (February 13th).

Article 55:
A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless said clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or gross.

Article 56:
A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Guy/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, so not to create a Chicklandia, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks. Chicklandia is when there is little to no men, while a Sausage Zone is when there is little to no women. The perfect range is around "for every girl there is three guys".

Article 57:
A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.

Article 58:
A Chick always shaves, or waxes, her legs, armpits, eyebrows if they need to be, and "down there" (if the need be, then other places may be shaved/waxed as well). Exception: butch lesbians, girls too uncomfortable or sensitive, or girls who are making a statement by not doing it.

She didn't get the memo

Article 59:
A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).

Article 60:
A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.

Article 61:
A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick's life to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, or other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because you know that the significant other she's alerted had forgotten.

Article 62:
In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.

Article 63:
A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made by the preggo Chick.

Article 64:
In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the food and a fraction of all other expenses. Bad things, like car sickness or post-Taco Bell potty breaks, and it will be blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip. Therefor, she must pay more.

Article 65:
A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas and cheap beer.

Article 66:
A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk or get drunk.

Article 67:
Should you know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she MUST tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.

Article 68:
A Chick must NEVER EVER EVER get her vagina pierced.

Article 69:
Duh.

Article 70:
A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up--both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general well-being, and at least offer to help her with her luggage.

Part 1 here
Part 3 cumming soon

Christmas.....Chinese Style

So, seeing as how Chinese New Year is upon us, I guess for a procrastinator, wishing you right now seems right on time.

Anyhoo, leading up to Chinese New Year, one thing that went UNNOTICED happened a week before Chinese New Year, the day was CHRISTMAS!

Think about it:

Christmas is a week before New Year's. Therefore, CHINESE CHRISTMAS is a week before CHINESE New Year and this year Chinese Christmas fell on January 27, 2010

What is CHINESE Christmas?


No, it isn't when CHINESE Jesus was born. That'll just be too convenient..It's about the return of the Three Kings to the Orient Land and it was about this time that they told the people of China about Jesus..makes perfect sense!

" We Three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts, we've travel afar..."

Then later after Coca Cola 'created' Santa Claus, Chinese Christmas was when the kids in China get their presents (of course by request from the government, who made sure all the gifts were the same)

Chinese Christmas in China. (from left, Chinese Santa, Rabbit for Chinese New Year, mannequin) 

Here in BolehLand, Chinese Christmas isn't celebrated because we already have a lot of public holidays, but in true spirit, Jaquah, Khris and I went to some dodgy shopping complex in Subang, which we mistook for the new and 'classy' Empire Gallery.

Right there and then, I saw this mannequin dressed up as the Deity of Prosperity smack in the middle of the entrance of the mall, which by the way had only 7 non-staff people there and the staff or people working in the shops looked very Twilight Zone-ish...but back to the mannequin, I SWEAR they dressed up a female mannequin up.

Look at her..

At that point, I remembered all my Chinese Feng Tou friends of mine and somehow I guessed either Groove Coverage knew the ULTIMATE SECRET or one of the Feng Tou fellas were working in the mall because their favourite song is:

So, Merry Chinese Christmas and a Happy Chinese New Year

Bend it like Reina

With modern football being somewhat of a fashion statement nowadays...all of the men boys I know have or still are idolizing some football star.

Walk down Drive to your nearby playground and you'll see kids dressed in the same manner their stars dress..from their kits to socks..even the laces on their boots mirror football players.

Here's where it gets interesting..their hairstyles.

Over the years..many people have been copying Beckham or even than Portuguese Prancing Pony Ronaldo..even Edgar Davids and Fellaini hair had followers

Edgar Davids' Predator look

Fellaini..I swear I play fustal with someone that looks like him

Confession: As a boy..I too had dreams of donning hairstyles like these people above. Sadly tho..the way my head is evolving, my only hope is to have hairstyles like Raul Meireles, Gary McAllister or Pepe Reina

Meireles

 

 

 

 

McAllister

Reina

 

 

As you can see..all of us share the same trait..baldness Liverpool FC.

YNWA!

Speaking of football...

Today's Lesson  

Football is not the gayish game Americans play with pads and helmets. 

Football is 22 men running around a field trying to get a ball into a net while Howard Webb one Jackass blows a whistle and two others play with flags while another holds up certain numbers on a board from time to time.

The Americans play: Gay Rugby

She can play on my team...anytime XD

Procrastinator's Creed!

What do we want?

Procrastination!

When do we want it?

A while more!

Happy New Year!

Resolution: To procrastinate less..starting...March..perhaps

How to live longer

So, a few more days to Christmas and I realised I wanted better health and a long life this year..how am I ever going to get that?

Staring at boobs

It's scientifically proven that boobs will help us MEN live longer.
Here's the math:

10 minutes of Boob-watching a day = 30 minutes of Exercise WILL increase the life-span of a male by up to 3,153,600 minutes = 6 years

Think I'm lying?

I'm NOT!!

Therefore, I've coined up a Christmas tune on my own to give to good ol' Saint Nick..

All I want for Christmas

Every body pauses and stares at she
These two tits are round as you can see
I don't know just who to praise for this discovery!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is your two round tits,
your two round tits,
see your two round tits!

Gee, if I could only
have you two round tits,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."

It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie has a nice left nipple!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only suckle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas
is your two round tits,
your two round tits,
see your two round tits.

Gee, if I could only
have your two round tits,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas!"

 *To be sung in the same tune of All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

10 minutes starts.....NOW!

How to Eliminate the first 10 on The Bachelor

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Today's Lesson

I learned from YouTube....

I'll NEVER...

...SCARE A BLACK MAN

...HONK AT OLD PEOPLE

TTFN...
*hugs

The Official Chick Code...Part 1

After accepting the challenge by Khristabelle of posting the COMPLETE Chick Code..I, Darian Henry, the ALMIGHTY and ever Just read la:

The Chick Code

Article 1:

Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is more stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are more willing and able to commit than men. 

Article 2:

A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks* are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!!!"-ing. The license to be wild is why we have Side-Chicks in the first place.

Article 3:

A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not ever that reason. Note: if you a man reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain this much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is--a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! -Too late! 

Article 4:Whether she cares about shopping/shoes/clothes/makeup/etc or not, a Chick cares about [the aforementioned].

Article 5:A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room. You may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should you stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.

Article 6:A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.

Article 7: 

A Chick always sends greeting cards (even if she doesn't really want to). While some Chicks may not enjoy sending greeting cards, the respectable thing to do is to send one, whether it be a "Thank You" Note, a "Get Well Soon" Card, a Birthday Card, a "Congratulations" Card, a Holiday Card, or a "Thinking of You" Note.

Article 8:Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.

Article 9:A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.

Article 10:A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For more effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to move your massive couch and queen sized bed) butter him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even more effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little or "involuntarily" show off your assets while buttering up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.

Article 11:On dinner dates, do not eat like a pig. But do not be peckish either. And when dessert rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking icing, whipped cream off your finger(s), or the underside of your utensil works most effectively.

Article 12:A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known or rumored creepers.

Article 13:A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Should your Side-Chick be pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, or married) you are not obligated to help her win him.

Article 14:If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude. Exception: should a guy inquire about another Chick's sexual history with women, a Chick shall indignantly say that the Chick questioned about has never done anything with in a sexual nature with a woman or women, regardless of whether or not she has ("I don't know" is also acceptable but not suggested). Exception to Exception: The Chick questioned about had previously told you of their sexual interactions with women and it was not a secret.

Article 15:A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk or under the pretense of being drunk.

Article 16:A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idol and Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; the the new hottest couple is; who the top celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.

Article 17:

A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming, i.e. C-workers who are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (You know what kind of inappropriate).

Article 18:A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hott!" And should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay by the Chick with the brother.

Article 19:A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more the point, because they can totally kick your ass when you comment on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them or their tragic haircut.

Article 20:
A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking-hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with with hot bf doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the bf in any way, shape, or form.

Article 21:
Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.

Article 22:
There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick or "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.

Article 23:
A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.

Article 24:
If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. See Article 38(see how cleverly I get you to look out for the next one) for a description of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur.

Article 25:
If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.

Article 26:
A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a"tramp stamp".

Article 27:
A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, or (sometimes) a concert.

Article 28:
A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.

Article 29:
If two chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall split a tub of popcorn to save money. However, they are not to share a drink because that would just be awkward.

Article 30:
A Chick comparison shops.

Part 2 Cumming Soon

In light of the seriousness of the matter, I have decided NOT to put any pictures